The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I noticed something this evening while looking at my blog--it's pretty ugly. Back in 10/04 there weren't nearly as many spiffy high-tech entries out there, not like now. I am pretty confident that I could make it more appealing to the eye...just don't want to. Yes, laziness would be a contributing factor.

In examining the ugly-bloggling I was a bit saddened. As I scanned the My Links section I nearly cried--well ok I did mist up a bit. What should read as a 'Who's Who' in t-BLOG it reads more like a 'Who's Not'. I suppose I've never dealt with change well and these feelings are just added proof. But as I ran my hand along the screen over each name I thought about something special about that person. Yes, some are still relatively active here, but most aren't...

I think about the things that have been going on in my own life and wonder what's been happening in theirs? Do they ever lurk around here anymore? Have they ever been tempted to post something only to change their minds in fear of having to explain their own absence? Do they feel like a stranger here where they once felt comfortable?

I wonder about the children, spouses, partners, family members we discussed so often. The similar stories we shared. The realization of how truly similar we were. Those things meant something to me, and I know in my heart it meant something to them too, but I also know that there are times that life can throw you one helluva curve ball and things like internet relationships have to be pushed to the back-burner.

Where ever you all are, I hope you're happy. I hope you think of me occasionally and smile, because I certainly do you. I pray that one day in that freak instant our paths will cross again.

Just listen. I didn't listen. I had such grave reservations about my health procedure in April but just because I couldn't put some sort of concrete reasoning on it, I covered the scab with a flimsy Band-Aid and proceeded brave faced. What a liar.

    & nbsp;   I remember the weeks before leaving I kept trying to play the martyr, put on the brave face. As the time drew nearer, that became harder and harder to do. Why was I so skeptical? Why did I have such reservations? There wasn't one damn thing I could put my finger on, or touch and feel so I assumed it was all just nerves. Ha.

If you've never dealt with a serious(life-threatening) illness, all of this can come across a little self-absorbed. But for those of us who deal with it day after day, year after year, it becomes quite a bore. I sought out the finest hospitals in the world with world-renowned physicians in hopes of getting the best treatment available. What I got was a half-assed procedure complicated by my physical make-up. Even in the end, when all was said and done and I'd damn near bled to death, the real reason for the problem was the fact that a small artery didn't lay quite exactly where it should have. I suppose I should have warned those medical marvels of that beforehand, huh?

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

I feel worse now than I have in my life. I virtually have to depend on others for everything. What was supposed to be a 24 hour hospital stay turned into 12 days. I left with an 8 inch incision on my groin and two J-P drains in my thigh(one of which is still with me) and a hematoma the size of a crowning child during childbirth.

I knew there were risks, we all do when we have these "simple" procedures--I'm starting to think the only real simple procedures are those that happen to someone else.

...I'm gettin there :)

I miss you and can't wait until we can sit down and chat for a bit. It's wonderful to have friends like you all.

Thank you for really caring!