The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I am still alive folks, but things in my life have really taken a nose dive.

One week ago today my Mother suffered a catastrophic stroke. She was in the hospital for a routine heart procedure, she had the stroke a half hour before it was scheduled. At first the Doctors felt hopeful it wasn't a bad one, as it turns out, it was. Tuesday afternoon she recognized me and my sisters, she could talk with slurred speech and had incredible memory. Her left side was initally paralized but seemed to improve hour by hour. We were extremely hopeful. Unfortunately everything came crashing down that afternoon. She in fact 'crashed'  after having an MRI. She was put on a ventilator where she remains today. I will spare you all the gory details of many other things that are going on in her frail body now, but will say that she was a much sicker woman than anyone realized.

Luckily she was at The University of Tennessee Medical Center when she had the stroke, as a matter of fact her nurse was in her room with her as it happened. She recieved immediate medical attention, which was good. I've been staying round the clock at the hospital and am totally beat. Her prognosis is very grim, we have come to terms with that as best as we can. But...she's still holding her own so who knows what could happen. The only thing we know for sure is the stroke was massive, I saw her MRI and the entire right hemisphere was destroyed, and that she has a couple of bad infections along with the heart problem(s).

For any of you that have been reading my blog for any amount of time know that my Mother was the sole caregiver of my 33 yr. old younger sister who is handicapped. This is a horrible time for her and our entire family. I ask that tonight when you lay down you say a short prayer for all of us. To those of you who I talk to via phone, I will try to get in touch with you as soon as possible, just know I love you all and appreciate your concern.

Shannon

...the underwire in your favorite bra works its way out of the fabric and impales you all afternoon? Oh I so seriously don't like this.

I detest bras to begin with. I'm convinced a man had to invent this instrument of torture because a woman would have tried a lot harder to make it a little more user friendly...if at all possible. I was watching The Discovery Channel the other night, a program about remote African tribes was showing. It was obvious that none of those women had ever spent one nano-second in a brassiere. For a moment I was very envious of the large, dark skinned woman with some sort of a bone in her nose, "Ah, never, ever being expected to wear a bra" I thought.

Right now I'm sitting in my office at work with a menacing pain under my right armpit. It's the damned underwire. I can't wait to get home and get this thing off. It's times like this that I wish I'd been born with small, perky breastesess!

And no, my frickin computer's still not working right. Damnit.

Not the band, the lifestyle.

Seems like today so many things are in excess...

Let the rant begin:

Gas Prices Here in Podunk U.S.A. gas is $2.50 a gallon. Granted that's cheaper than a lot of places but not by much. Given the fact(s) that the majority of the local population here lives at or below the poverty level and that being a rural community there is no public transit alternatives. In other words you gotta have a car. I remember the gas shortages of the 70's, well somewhat remember. I do remember seeing all the news coverage and I do remember waiting in line for a long time locally. My family had to cancel their Summer vacation, lots of familes did. People who had never carpooled, started. The impact was clearly visible. Not so much now, huh? It seems like that even at over $3 a gallon in some places people are still driving just as much as before. There are dozens of BIG RV's on the Interstate everytime I am, as many of half of us are driving SUV's(yes I do), how do we do it? Why are we not conserving more? So is the gripe here that the gas prices are just way too high, or, could our standard of living be too high?

MTV: Yes, yes I still want my MTV. This one is a little hard for me to explain. I don't so much care about the music videos as much anymore as I do the absolutely insane 'reality' shows they broadcast. As a self-proclaimed "reality-tv addict" it's hard for me to bash the network. But in the last few days I have just been outraged by their new show called, "My Super-Sweet 16." If you've never seen the show it's hard for me to ask you to watch it. It's painful, very painful. The premise of the show is the ups and downs of turning 16 while trying to plan a very elaborate party and figure out where you're going to park your new Range Rover at school. This 'diva' culture is so far beyond spoiled rotten it's sad. The least expensive party I saw this weekend during the prelude-to-the-new-season -marathon was $120,000...ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!! These parents rent out nightclubs and lavish banquet halls for these children. One party provided transportation for all those attending the soiree in stretch Hummer limo's. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!! I'm feeling faint just thinking about this show. How many families in this country are trying to survive year to year, with children, on a fraction of 120K? How can MTV have the gall to air this crap? You know, I've defended MTV on numerous occasions in the past, but not this time. I'm ashamed that even the filthy rich would ruin a generation in this way. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!!

Cell Phones: I must admit that I love the convenience of a cell phone. I've had one off and on for over 10 years. Most anytime I am in my car atleast 50 % of the oncoming traffic are using their cell phones. They're great in emergencies and I like the fact that my kids can reach me no matter where I'm at. But I take issue with parents that buy 12 & 13 year olds cell phones, my ex-husband and his wife fall in that category. They recently purchased my son and her daughter (13 & 14) camera cell phones. No, they didn't consult me about this purchase, they didn't even give me a 'heads-up' about their plan. Which is ok, I suppose. I refuse to monitor the time he uses it, that's their responsibility. I will however set phone times in my house regardless if you're using your own cell phone, the land line or two tin cans and string. I will oversee that,  as well as him leaving it at home during school hours. But outside of that, count me out. In my book no 13 year old needs a cell phone. It's a status symbol, pure and simple. Yes he plays sports and attends many practices alone, but then I give him my cell phone in case he needs anything. That's about the only occasion that he truly needs a cell phone at this age. When he begins driving and gets a job I can see the benefits of having a phone but not at this age. I feel like my ex husband in an effort to 'prove' his love is sending our son  a very wrong message. I've never pretended to go along with the crowd on issues like this. In fact most of my friends' kids in the same age range already have a cell phone, my son was one of the last to get one, and had it been left up to me he still wouldn't have one.

What's the old saying about, "too much of a good thing...?" I look back on the 1980's and realize the thing I dislike most about the decade of my teens is the fact that excess and self-absorption was the main theme. The "me" decade as it was known. This seems to be the era of "there's no such thing as 'too much.'" I didn't like it then and don't care much for it now. Maybe things haven't changed so much since the '80's, maybe it's me that's changed? I may very well be morphing into a "crotchety old fart"!

ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!!

You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

John Lennon had a good grasp of what a dreamer was. I don't know if  he was a particularly insightful dreamer or just real stoned all the time. But I know that I am a dreamer--have been all of my life.

I dream, day-dream, imagine things all the time. Not just things, very detailed scenarios. Very theatrical recolections. I can't remember a time not doing it. To reduce the amunt of public embarrassment I'd have to endure I won't elaborate on a lot of the particulars!

My mind is the most entertaining place I know. I can't honestly say I've ever been "bored", well I may have said it but I didn't mean it. When left to my own devices I retreat to the innner core of my mind and 'dream' endlessly.

I've wonder sometimes if the reason I have this overactive imagination is because I have been deprived of something in my life? I suppose I have been, but how many things have I been protected from? As usual there are pros and cons for deprivation. One of my favorite 'dreams' is living in a big city, namely NYC. I'll readily admit that I probably wouldn't last very long there but I'd just like to try it...and I haven't given up total hope of finally doing it. Who knows? But I sure like thinking about it. I call this '3-D Thinking', every detail is three dimensional. I told you, I don't just dream, I dream big.

There have been times when my dreams kind of embarrassed me, or the thought of someone being able to see inside my noggin. Not so much anymore. At 40 I am the most comfortable I have ever been with ME personally--that doesn't mean completely comfortable. But I am starting to appreciarte me much, much more.

Wouldn't it be cool to be this age and at this state of self-awareness for an extended period of time. A time machine, yes a time machine. Some sort of eternal youth serum? Now that's the stuff a good day-dream is made of...

Yes, back to reality--school starts back in about a week. I can't believe that Summer is really over. Well Summer's not over but Summer break is.

I don't understand the reasoning behind starting to school this early. We don't get out that much earlier in the Spring. And why not just enjoy the weather until after Labor Day. That's the way we did it back when I was in school and we turned out just fine.

Only 5 more end of Summer breaks and all my little birds will have flown the coup. I know I'm going to miss this headache when it's gone, but right now I'd rather sit and watch a car rust than try to get my 14 yr old son in bed by 10pm.

Looking back I've had a pretty good Summer. I got my vacation to the beach. Until just recently the weather hasn't been completely unbearable and the garden has done wonderfully. Guess it's been a pretty good one.

Now if I could only start Christmas shopping, we've only got about 141 days left :)

I suppose I should be sad...but I'm not. I probably should be angry...but I'm not. In fact I feel a huge relief. Very odd.

Why, you ask?

Well... my husband and I are separated. Oh not legally sepsarated, as in our marriage is on the verge of collape. No, this is a choice that we've made.

He and his children live 4 days a week at their house 35 miles away, while me and my children remain here in our home town.

Yes, if I get an unbearable desire to see him I can hop in the car and go and vice versa. We're close enough to see each other on a daily basis when our schedules allow. Herein lies the major problem--his children never quite 'fit in' here. I tried for 3 years to deny it, but it's true. They wanted to live in their old house and go to their old school. My husband ignored it too. The last school year damn near killed us. We knew something had to give.

With my Mother's health so bad and my other family getting on in years it just isn't possible for me to leave now, even a mere 35 miles away. That is if I wanted to...which I don't. My husband also comes into play, living here in my home town he drives 75 miles one way to his job. That's a lot of miles in a week, and very taxing personally. I know this because I used to work in the same town and I despised the drive. This isn't a perfect solution, but it's an alternative.

I must admit I miss him terribly, and actually miss the kids. But, for the last two weeks it's been wonderful...yes even missing him so much. The time we spend togethger is great. We make every second count. Everybody has. We told the kids flat out that we were doing this so everybody (the kids) could attempt to be happy and we would not be spending our time bickering over silly things. And so far it's been working great.

In a sense it's like dating again! He'd come over and spend the weekend with me when my kids were with their Dad and when we had all the kids we'd combine families and do things together. I get all excited on the days I know he's going to be there...I kind of like that. No, I like that a lot.

Right now I'm wondering what you, the reader, think about all of this? If I was your best girlfriend would you say, "...what a fool you are. He should sacrifice his feelings and stay and help you out."  Or would you be thinking to yourself, "Well this marriage doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of surviving!" I'd like to know, some feedback is good for the soul :)

FYI My computer is still sucky...I'm going to buy an all purpose clean-up utility this afternoon to try and remedy the problem. Wish me luck. I really miss having the time to read all of your blogs.