The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Hey kids! Hope you're all having a splendid Thursday :) I'm taking a break before all the children arrive home. Things are a little chaotic in my small corner of the world right now, here's a brief summary:

1.) My Mother was admitted to the hosptial last night. She has the same heart disease I do but at age 67 she's having a lot more difficulty than I. Luckily she's not seriously ill, she too deals with a lot of environmental allergies. Hopefully she'll be home on Saturday. This dilemma is two-fold as I have a 33 year old handicapped sister that has to be cared for. My Daddy is 69 and trying to do the majority of the care, but this means he has to in his ex-wife's home because his is not handicapped equipped. Needless to say that fact doesn't thrill him. I spent the day with her and let him do the things he needed to do.

2.) My Grandmother who was hospitalized last week had a Doctor's appointment this morning to schedule knee replacement surgery. When she was in the ER last week she complained of intense pain in the back of her thigh, she was told it was varicose veins. Today the orthopedic guy says there's a good possibility they are blood clots! My sister and brother in-law had Grandmother duty today and had to take her back to get an ultrasound done to find out exactly what it is.

3.) For the first time in 15 years I have an ingrown toenail! I was doing a pedicure when I was trimming my nails(did I mention I was watching TV at the same time?)when I cut deeply into the corner of the nail bed. Great. I'm sure it's infected now and extremely painful. I've sterilized every object inmaginable to try and remove the offending shred of toenail, to no avail. This probably seems very insignifigant to most, but because of the bad heart I am very susceptible to infection which can in turn travel to my heart and kill me. The smallest of procedures for me require anti-biotic therapy beforehand. It's crazy I know, but it seems like me and my family are just one medical malady after another :(

So that's what's happening in my neck of the woods. The weather here is still horrible. Cold and rainy. I just try to keep in mind that in a couple of months I'm going to be complaining about the hellish heat and humidity, so I shouldn't complain too much. I surely hope your lives are a little calmer than mine right now, and I really appreciate having a medium to bitch and moan in!

I was checking up on the news (*read entertainment gossip) when I ran across an article about Rosie O'Donnell's current feud with David Letterman--I haven't quite figured out if the rift is between her and Dave or Dave's producer. It really doesn't matter, I actually do have a point here, lol. I found out that Rosie has her own blog! Well she has an old one and a brand new one. The old one can be found athttp://onceadored.blogspot.co... the new one is located at www.rosie.com 

I'm having mixed emotions about what I've read so far. In the "old" blog her header makes the point that she doesn't spell well, in fact she says "my spelling sux." That raised an eyebrow. While Rosie has never portrayed herself as a Rhodes Scholar, I had the impression she wouldn't be the type to use a sux reference. Perhaps I expect too much of people in the public eye.

If you have a few minutes and can take a look at her blogs I'd like to hear what you think about them. And for the record, I've always been a fan of hers and am looking forward to the made for TV movie coming up this Sunday night.

WARRENTON, Ga. - For two days, dozens of law enforcement officers combed the east Georgia woods searching for two toddlers who disappeared from their lakeside house. In the end, Jonah Payne, 3, and his 2-year-old sister, Nicole, were found a few hundred yards away - in a sanitation pond that was in the area of the initial search in rural Warren County.

The above is taken from this article http://www.comcast.net/news/national/index.jsp?cat=DOMESTIC&" title="http://www.comcast.net/news/national/index.jsp?cat=DOMESTIC&" target="_blank"http://www.comcast.net/news/n...;fn=/2005/04/26/117295.html When I first read this story I was horrified but then I was taken back to a cool, damp, rainy day some 10 years ago. I was talking to my Grandmother on the phone while Jacob watched Barnery in the same room. I got up to take a couple of glasses to the kitchen, maybe 50 ft. away, then returned. When I got to the living room I noticed Jacob was gone, this was pretty unusual considering since he was born,  he'd been like an added appendage to me.

I told my Grandmother I needed to go never mentioning that the little booger must be playing 'hide and seek' with me. Hanging up the phone I began to run through the house screaming his name. Nothing. I hadn't panicked yet, but I was on the verge of it. Within minutes I was tossing mattreses around like pillows, dismantling every bed in the house. A few times I had run onto the big wrap-around front porch but all I'd find there was the ever growing stream of water seeping out of the bad guttering. The rain was coming at a strong, steady pace. "Could someone have been on the porch looking in the window seeing me leave the room, and then just grabbed him?" I wondered aloud. I reasoned that I'd been out of the room less than two minutes, absolutely no more than 2 minutes. I would have heard something. This was a very old house afterall, it would have been impossible. Or would it?

I started to scream his name and run through the house. I had the cordless phone in my hand and had dialed 9-1 prepared to call for help. "He's not even been out of my sight for 15 minutes, they will think I'm a lunatic or psychotic." I thought. I stopped in the middle of my kitchen floor, slowly turning in circles when I heard something. Was it? Could it be? It was a child laughing, it was my child laughing. I threw open the back door and bolted out onto the small patio and there he was. In the new wading pool we'd bought him a few days before. He looked up at me,  big blue eyes, innocent and said, "Hey Momma, come swfim wif me." I grabbed him out of the cold water and the pouring rain and ran inside. Grabbing a towel I took him back to the exact spot I'd last seen him sitting in the living room. "Jacob show me how you got out of this house." He walked over to the front door, opened it, went outside and shut it behind himself. As I opened the door he stood there just looking at me like I was crazy. "Momma you get mad if we don't close da door." was his explanation.

I cried like a toddler as I dried him off. He couldn't understand what was going on. He kept patting my head saying things like, "I awright, I awright" We spent the afternoon talking about how dangerous it was for him to go outside alone without me knowing where he was. I know I'm a pretty paranoid parent, I worry about crazy stuff all the time. But worrying and it actually happening are two entirely different things. For a few minutes I felt as helpless as I ever have in my lifetime. I can't imagine what the parents in Georgia must have felt all afternoon Saturday. In our society the majority of child disappearances do involve foul play, I know in my situation my first thought was some stranger taking him. I can't imagine the loss this family is now suffering, well, I can imagine but I really don't like to think about it. It is my hope that one day they won't feel the myriad of emotions they must be feeling now.

My son is like a lot of kids these days wearing those rubber bracelets. It all started with a Lance Armstrong "Live Strong" bracelet my choir director gave him. From there he's acquired several of the Nike ones that sport words like "Player" and "Baller". Lately he's been collecting the "Support Our Troops" variety that one of his teachers is selling at school. Today we were coming home from church and I notice he's examining them pretty closely. He looks at me and says, "Momma guess where these "Support Our Troops" bracelets were made?" I was only half paying attention and gave the pat answer, "I dunno why don't you tell me." "China. They made bracelets to support our troops in a communist country. What's up with that Mom?" I sure do wish I'd had a good answer for him. Honestly I figured it was there or Taiwan one. I tried to explain to him that labor was much cheaper in China and that helped keep costs down and that must be the reason why so many American manufactures choose China. "Well that's just stupid. Do they not realize how many people here need a job?" He quickly replied. Again, I was wishing I had a really good response for him, but I didn't. I told him I didn't understand it and I didn't agree with it and then suggested that maybe we should write our state legislators about it. He loved that idea! He was also stoked about being able to go to his teacher and tell her we should all be complaining to someone about sending jobs like this out of our country.

Kind of odd that a 13 year old got so bothered by this incident but people in business and industry don't think very much about it. It seems even where patriotism is concerned the almighty dollar is more important. Jacob and I refuse to believe there's not a rubber plant in the United States that can make these bracelets. And even if it does cost a little more, this product is in honor of our troops, and our people should be manufacturing them. Or that's just my opinion and that of a pretty sharp 13 year old boy I call son.

Have you ever noticed that you don't really miss something until it's gone? Each day we live, while different, is a relatively similar routine. We wake up each morning and proceed to do the same activities day after day. Of course there are a few curve balls along the way but for the most part things stay the same. For example, the majority of us go to work each day. We have responsibilities that go with that job and we really don't think much about them. I suspect the repitition keeps us from appreciating that job. If we were to lose that job I suspect that during our "down time" we would reflect and realize how important that seemingly mundane occupation was. But how many of us think about that on a Wednesday at 2: 47 p.m.? My guess is not many.

When I found myself as a single woman again in my early 30's one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind was, "gee will I ever have sex again?" After being married for over 12 years that's one thing that I never worried about. While married I'll admit my libido left a lot to be desired. My ex husband and I had drifted very far apart and honestly didn't even like each other very much. But both of us knew if the urge hit there was a partner close by. Once I was single again I secretly wished that I had taken advantage of that a little more often. I soon came to learn that one could actually live without sex. I'm not talking about a dry spell that lasted for weeks or months I'm talking about years. I was at the age where I knew I wasn't going to become a middle-aged barfly, but I was accutely aware that I was right smack dab in the middle of my sexual peak( or so the experts say). If you've read my blog for any amount of time you know I'm no saint, I did have a few purely physical encounters during that time. And I'm not ashamed to say for the most part I was "master of my own domain." But I missed the routine, the availability and convenience.

Dietery restrictions is another thing that comes to mind while writing about this subject. Have you ever noticed that once you impose a diet on yourself almost immediately you develop mind numbing cravings? There have been times when I was dieting that I would dream about deep-dish pizza and Snickers. On any given day I eat nothing for breakfast maybe a salad or sandwich for lunch and a bite or two for dinner. For some reason by the time I finish cooking a meal for 7 people the last thing I want to do is eat. But just let me start a diet and I wake up every morning with the appetite of a Cambodian refugee and the hunger doesn't cease until I'm fast asleep dreaming about chocolate eclairs chasing hamburgers through the forest that night. I won't eat a bowl of ice cream for months but if I'm trying to shed a few pounds I want to eat it every hour on the hour.

I am guilty of not appreciating the little things in life. Not the things that one must have in order to survive but the small things that are always at our disposal. I'm not sure what put this topic on my mind but for the moment I am taking stock of what I have and doing my best appreciate it all. What are some things you would really miss in your everyday life if they were suddenly gone?

Thanks to all who took a stab at the guessing game :)

Below are the answers...


1. At age 19 I won a "Wet T-Shirt" contest during Spring Break in Florida.
TRUE-Yes it's true. We were staying at "Treasure Island" and the night before we were supposed to leave they were having a wet T-shirt contest. Needless to say I was almost broke as were a few of my girlfriends, so after 3 Long Island Teas we all worked up the courage to enter. I won first place and another friend of mine won 3rd. First prize was $100! Good thing we got the extra cash because we had a blow-out 30 miles from the Georgia line and had to have 2 new front tires, lol.

2. In High School I took the military ASVAB test just to get out of class and made the highest score in the school.
TRUE-Every branch of the military drove me crazy calling trying to get me to enlist! Finally my Mother was fed up( we'd graciously declined and I'd even fessed up to a few of the recruiters that I ONLY took the test to get out of class)so she told a few of them I was gay! This was the mid-80's and that pretty much stopped the calls, sad huh?

3. My eyes are two different colors, I consider myself to have green eyes but in certain light it's very obvious the right one is very blue/turquoise and the left green.
FALSE-Both eyes are the same color but when I do have a slight "lazy eye".

4. I once took a job as a phone "psychic". As I was going through the training phase I decided no matter how bad I needed the money I couldn't read the "scripts" and essentially steal money from desperate people looking for answers.
TRUE-This was during my poverty period after my divorce. I had even considered being a phone sex operator...but couldn't even bring myself to explore that vocation, lol. The "friend" who pushed me into this little venture did in fact make excellent money. I sure could have used it but couldn't just out and out lie to people.

Well there ya go! Kudos to lynne, erin, theseeker and crimsonstorm for guessing correctly! Actually it was pretty hard to think of even 3 things that I hadn't blabbed before on this blog, lol. This was a lot of fun, if you haven't tried it yet, please do!

I've seen this type of thing on various blogs and thought that I would try it for myself. Below are 4 statements, three are true and one is false. The challenge is to guess which one is the lie.

1. At age 19 I won a "Wet T-Shirt" contest during Spring Break in Florida.

2. In High School I took the military ASVAB test just to get out of class and made the highest score in the school.

3. My eyes are two different colors, I consider myself to have green eyes but in certain light it's very obvious the right one is very blue/turquoise and the left green.

4. I once took a job as a phone "psychic". As I was going through the training phase I decided no matter how bad I needed the money I couldn't read the "scripts" and essentially steal money from desperate people looking for answers.

Ok there ya go...a glimpse into the personal side of me. Make your guesses and I'll reveal the answers tomorrow.

Good luck :)

I just returned to the office after a quick trip to the bank and post office AND after being monetarily raped at the gas station. When I came into work this morning the gas hand was below E, I prayed I'd have enough petro to make it here. I started to put only $20 in the SUV but since it was so empty I decided to 'fill 'er up'. The total cost for the gasoline was $43.71. I don't think I've ever spent that much money in one trip to the pumps in my life.

I remember the gas crisis of the early '70s, vaguely. I remember seeing the long lines at the pumps. I remember not being able to go on vacation that year and my Father explaining that we had to conserve. I don't see anybody cutting back anywhere these days. I travel I-75  atleast once a week and see multitudes of RV's from all over the US and Canada. Most of these RV's are also towing an additional car behind them. I would imagine that big traveling houses get pathetic mileage. There seems to be as many on the road as ever, you'd never know that gas is well over $2.20 a gallon.

I know that allegdly our economy is on the rebound, slightly. And that's a great thing. But how are people, just average run of the mill folks, able to tolerate these gas prices?

I have imprisioned myself today in an effort to thwart off my allergies. I am taking a stand against the thick yellow haze that's come to settle on anything that doesn't move. I stood in my bathroom this morning listening to the birds singing through the closed, double-paned window and could see the air moving. The amount of "stuff" floating around gives the illusion of an ever spinning background. This strange optical illusion is real, there is actually that much pollen, dust, spores, etc. in the air.

I have come to the conclusion that I must have nostrils with the suction power of a brand new Electrolux vacuum cleaner. I make this comparrison because I still remember the Electrolux salesman sitting in our living room when I was a teen saying, "Nothing sucks like Electrolux!" My super human nostril powers are able to inhale enormous amounts of that pollen infested air on every trip outside. I am convinced that this is true.

All 5 children awoke this morning sneezing, it was like a nasal version of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's rendetion of "The Hallelujah Chorus". No one could afford to miss school though, so they snotted and sneezed their way on to the bus stop. It was then I came up with the idea of staying indoors. It may not do too much good in the long run but for now I don't feel nearly as congested. A momentary reprieve if nothing else.

How's your Monday?

Today I was reminded of my relationship with a much younger man. I'm not sure it's fair to classify him as a "man". He was 19...I was 33. I had been divorced from my children's father for a little over a year when I met him. Up to that point I'd been sitting in my townhouse doing little else. The thought of dating still repulsed me. I had a friend who was a server at the local Applebee's part-time. We were having lunch together there one day when she says, "Ooo there's Tad, he's such a cutie!" I didn't even bother to turn around and look, cutie's were not on my agenda at that time. She then said, "Oh he's gonna be waiting on our table." Just then I felt someone standing beside us, I looked up and she was right, he was a cutie. Tall and thin, olive complexion, long wavy sandy colored hair pulled into a tight ponytail. He had a big, bright smile and beautiful blue eyes. He wasn't Brad Pitt pretty, but attractive. He asked for our drink orders and rushed off to get them. I honestly gave him little thought, I mean come on I didn't need to be hit by the clue bus to know this "kid" was doing nothing more than trying to score a good tip. My friend was a co-worker and I was literally almost old enough to be his Mother, it was beyond silly to think anything else. Or was it?

When Tad returned with our drinks he sat down beside my friend, they made small talk for a few minutes then he looked straight at me and said, "You are just beautiful." Was this kid workin'it or what? I said thank you while blushing. I looked down at my menu nervously glancing up occasionally while my friend talked to notice he was STILL staring at me. Attention, particularly male attention, makes me a very nervous. My friend asked me what I was going to have for lunch. How should I know, I can't concentrate on a darn thing. I finally tell him what I want and close the menu. He returned back to the kitchen and I could finally breathe again. "Man he's hot on your trail isn't he?" Susan says. He was indeed after something I just wasn't sure what it was. Expecting a big tip from a single Mom seemed far-fetched to me. She and I had a good laugh about the flirting then the conversation turned to PTA meetings and piano lessons. Tad would stop by frequently to refil our drinks and I'd catch him staring at me from behind the bar. I was almost glad to see the lunch come to an end.

When he brought our checks he again sat down by my friend. He looks at me and says "So you want to marry me?" That question got a quick laugh from both of us, then I thought to myself, 'I'm gonna teach the boy a lesson' and I replied, "Seeing as how I just got out of a marriage that would be out of the question, but how do you feel about some hot, guilt-free sex?" I was in NO way serious about my own proposal. At that point he began to blush and giggle. "YES" I thought to myself, two can play that game. What I didn't realize was this only made the young man even more interested. He asked for my phone number and in keeping with playing coy I told him he could get it from Susan sometime. I never expected to hear anything from him again. We left the restaurant laughing while my ego was over inflated.

Three nights later my phone rang and it was Susan, "Tad wants your number. Can I give it to him?" she asked. I told her no and to tell him I was old and bitter, he wanted no part of me. We hung up and I went back to watching TV. A few minutes later the phone rang again. This time it was him calling from the restaurant. He told me Susan had dialed the number so he didn't have it, but he'd really like to take me out. I could barely keep from laughing out loud. Can you imagine ME on a date with HIM? In the end I did give him my phone number. For a few weeks he'd call every other night. We'd talk and laugh for hours. I couldn't believe he was so young, he was an old soul. Everytime he called he'd ask me out, everytime I'd decline. Finally he called on a Saturday night from the restaurant. He wanted me to meet him somewhere when his shift ended. I told him I was just not up to getting back out, so he suggested dropping by my house. I'll admit I was interested, and intrigued. He arrived a couple of hours later. We watched a movie and had a great time. I was a little afraid I'd be spending the evening trying to ward off physical advances, but he was a perfect gentleman. When the movie ended he said he needed to get going. I walked him to the door and he asked if he could kiss me, I said yes. That was one of the most spectacular kisses EVER, weak in the knees kind of kisses. That was the beginning...

We contiued a very sweet, passionate love affair that lasted almost a year. I told him right up front I was not comfortable with the age difference. I explained that I was very fond of him, and I was, but I didn't think that would ever compensate. He told me he could handle that. In the end, he couldn't. I'm really surprised it lasted as long as it did. For me it was purely a physical thing. I could only see him twice a month, I wouldn't let him come over when my kids were home. And when we did go out, we went out of town. I hope the general public thought I might have been his "slightly older sister", thankfully no one ever said, "And what would your son like for dinner?" He made me feel beautiful and desirable, things I hadn't felt in such a long time. We parted ways but I still see him occasionally. He always looks at me with those big puppy dog eyes and winks. I'm pretty sure I blush just like I did the first time I caught him staring at me. The moral upstanding part of me wants to apologize for the whole thing, but another part of me has no regrets. I did not corrupt this young man, I did not persue him. And instead of feeling guilt I think back on those times and smile.

Thank you for stopping by and seeing what I might be writing about today. I just wanted you to know that you're appreciated. It saddens me to think that there are so many wonderful people in this world that are never told how wonderful they are. I think you ARE wonderful! There are so many fascinating, intelligent, strong, heroic, people in this blogging community, I consider it an honor to have you drop by my little corner every once and awhile.

Know you're always welcome, and wanted. Thank you.

:)

I had the bestest date night EVER! Or well in a long time. The hubby and I had Chinese for dinner, good stuff. Then we had two stops to make, one at Wally World and another at Proffit's for me to exchange an outfit I bought earlier today. Bought the whole shebang, shoes, bag, everything, tried on nothing. Got home put the ensemble on and went, BLECH! The longer I looked at the less I liked it. I'd bought another combo that I was going to keep but packed all the rest back in the bag. After the man had gotten what he needed from Wal-Mart we went on over to the Dept. store. He stayed in the car as I had promised him I wouldn't be long. Which I wouldn't have been if I hadn't hit the racks just one more time! I found a very cute, casual, cotton dress that was on clearance. So I grabbed it and back to the counter. Took for frickin ever to get it all ironed out.

So back to the house we go. He had a project to take care of outdoors. I had a bubble bath project to take care of indoors. I painted my toesies a beautiful hot pink! Exfoliated, scrubbed, moisturized, the whole body. A major teeth scrubbing and flossing! I felt and smelled edible! Shortly he came in and began his own hygeine procedures.

After we were both cleaned up we prepaired our lair and piled up to watch "The Fugitive"-- neither of us had seen it entirely. During commercial breaks we 'made out' like a bunch of teenagers! It was wonderful. The whole evening was. There was no arguments, no in depth discussions. We just enjoyed being with one another. We have the most amazing times together when it's just the two of us. We love our kids but we need more times like this.

I'll let you guess what was going on after the movie ended, lol.

It was a fantastic night and I love him even more than I thought I did! Our life is so chaotic most of the time we need these little sabatical's from time to time!

I'm just a little sickeningly happy, aren't I? :)

I saw my doctor on Wednesday about these allergy problems. He gave me some Singulair, which seems to be helping. And a new inhaler, yay.

He told me this weekend was projected to have the highest pollen counts so far this season, he also advised me to wear a mask if doing anything outdoors. Jacob has a soccer game tomorrow morning at 10:30 a.m. I don't want to wear the mask, but I do want to see him play. I don't want to develop pneumonia againg but I REALLY don't want to wear the mask. *insert kicking, screaming, toddler-like fit here*

I asked my husband if he'd be embarrassed to sit with me wearing the mask, he told me immediately "I've never been ashamed of you and never will be." Brownie points to the man for that one. Ok, I am gonna wear the mask. I don't need to be any sicker. I'm sure my son will be mortified but hey it's my duty as his mother to embarrass him from time to time, right?

I feel like I haven't blogged in weeks, I missed one day! Sheesh. Hopefully I can catch up on my reading this evening.

What's on your agenda for this weekend?

I've been afraid most of my life concerning one thing or another. When I was a young child I was always afraid my little sister was going to die. She was tiny and frail, and she threw up every single morning of her life. She wasn't diagnosed with the brain tumor until she was 10. Then while a slight relief of knowing why she was sick eased, a new one errupted once we were faced with the surgeries and treatments.

It was April 1974 when one of my biggest unknown fears was brought to life. A tornado ripped through our small town and destroyed virtually everything around our house. Luckily we had a basement and a Mother that had lived in Texas long enough to actually know what a tornado could do. It gives me goose bumps to this day to think about that horrible noise, for as loud as it was, my sisters and myself were screaming nearly as loud. I was terrified for years in school everytime a dark cloud would come up. My Mother knew to expect a phone call if a storm was a brewing. I would literally get sick. I didn't feel safe again until I was home in my basement. This fear follows me to this day. My children laugh and tell the stories of how often I've thrown them in closets, under beds, in basements and even me scoping out the depth of ditches in case we had to get out of the car and take cover.

When I got pregnant with my second child I knew something wasn't right. That pregnancy was altogether different from the first. I was sick all the time. I was pale and losing weight. My Mother used to cry when she'd see me because she KNEW things weren't right. How prophetic, if we'd only known how not right things were. My daughter was in pre-school and I had to pick her up everyday at noon. I was battling yet another bought of bronchitis, I could barely drag. On the way to pick her up I started coughing, not like I'd been coughing. This was different, the rattle in my chest sounded like water gurgling. The coughing wouldn't stop, in fact I was almost gagging. Then I started to cough up what I had believed to be water, the minute the hot liquid hit my taste buds I knew it wasn't water. It was blood. I was experiencing hemoptysis. I was literally spewing blood out of my lungs. I could barely drive home, I was scared to death. My whole body shook as I tried to dial the OB/GYN. They instructed me to go to the hosptial. I kept hearing terms like 'bleed out', 'congestive heart failure', blood clot'. This was probably the scarriest time of my life.

Fast forward two weeks, I'm laying in the Cardiac Unit at The University of Tennessee Hospital. This was when I was diagnosed with the heart disease. My fear level began to rise from the moment I walked into that place. Over and over I'd hear the whispers and see the glances as someone would say, "Well we have to save the Mother, she has another child." This went on for several days until I had a breakdown of sorts and told them I MUST be included in on these conversations, I wanted to know what the procedure was going to be and I wanted to know straight out what my chances of delivering this baby were. Oddly enough they couldnt' give me many definitive answers. They did tell me that I could not have the baby vaginally. "But I delivered my daughter vaginally and everything was fine?" One Doctor raised up his eyes from my chart and said, "You got your lucky break, we can't count on that again." I was really scared. They told me they'd have to take him by a planned C-Section, and their primary concern was my health, not the baby's. They wanted a healthy baby as much as anyone but I was their primary concern. The also told me that while a C-Section is very routine for most women, mine would be different. When they bring me out of the anesthesia there was a good chance my blood pressure would completely bottom out and I could die. I was scared for another 9 days until the surgery, very scared.

Luckily everything with the baby turned out well. But since his birth there's been several other medical scares. The bouts of V-tach have scared me. Everyday I live with the fear that one of those episodes are going to do me in. It's a very real possibility. I am looking into buying one of those home defribulator kits like they have on airplanes and such. Actually a Dr suggested it. These kind of fears never leave, with every crippled beat of my heart I wonder what's going to happen next.

With all the fear in my life I think I've managed pretty well. It's a huge amount of stress on me and the ones that love me. But I have made a vow to myself that all this fear will not consume me. I won't allow it to happen. But I have a healthy respect for it, I won't deny it's an ever present part of my life. I can allow myself to be afraid, in fact I think that's healthy and lets me keep perspective. I am grateful for everyday...I'm grateful for every year my sister lives and beats the odds over and over. I'm grateful that I have a basement I can shelter myself and family in when a tornado makes another appearance. I'm very grateful to be a life and grateful for my disabled heart. All this fear has made me who I am. It's like an old friend, I may not think about it very often but once it stirs my soul a flood of memories come rushing back.

I won't ever "grow out" of these fears, and I feel somewhat lucky for that.

"What's your biggest pet peeve?" I'm never quite sure how to answer that when asked, well I wasn't before today. I've posted on this topic before but feel led to say something again. If you know ANYONE that pee's all over a toilet and just walks off leaving a mess, say something to them. We must stop them!

For the record, "Ladies, I don't like using a public restroom anymore than you do. With that said I must also state that I do not, repeat, DO NOT, want to sit in your pee! I realize not every establishment furnishes seat covers, but most do supply toilet paper. I taught both of my children how to cover a public toilet at a very early age. They learned really quick, so I don't think it's too much to ask of an adult to have the same consideration. Do you?"

I stopped in at a Cracker Barrel for lunch with my daughter today. I'm still taking the Lasix so my bladder has the maximum capacity equal to the size of a walnut. I used the restroom upon entering the dining room and then again when we finished our meal. As I opened the bathroom door two women in their early 70's were walking out of their respective stalls. They began chatting with one another while washing their hands. I passed up the first of four stalls because it appeared to be clogged up. In stall #2(where first lady had been)there was urine on the seat and no toilet paper. I rolled my eyes and moved on to stall #3 where I swear to God it looked like one of those produce sprinklers had been going off for a good half hour. I walked out of the stall, looked at those ladies, then back in the stall, back to the ladies and said, "You both should be ashamed of yourselves!" They never said a word, didn't even acknowledge my presence.

I'm as sanitary as anyone else, and I don't want to "catch" anything either. But where is rationalization for me or you to piss all over the seat someone else will have to use? I mean how can you urinate like that and not manage to get some of it on you? How can people make that kind of mess and just walk off and leave it? Why not just get a big wad of tissue and clean up after yourself? How would you feel if a guest in your house used your restroom and in an effort to avoid germs, pee'd all over your commode and just left it there?

This whole problem is just ridiculous. Just like today, what I saw was two grown women who were not disabled, that just for the sake of being too lazy used the bathroom like a two year old boy would have. It makes me mad, mad, MAD! THIS is without a doubt my biggest pet peeve.

*deep breath* Thanks for letting me vent, I feel better.

When I was a little girl I remember my Grandmother's house always smelled like cedar and moth balls. She had several cedar chests that housed her handmade quilts. And her closets were packed full of moth balls...I don't really know why, I've been alive for 40 years and I've never seen anything eaten by moths. I'm sure it happens but I've just never seen it. Her house never really looked like a house to me. She was the only person that lived there and nothing was ever out of place. I had 2 sisters and my parents in my own home and I don't really remember a time when there wasn't something strewn over the floor.

My Mother's house has no smell. Of course there are odors, and good ones just not one or two particular things that stick out in my mind. As I mentioned before, growing up in that same house there was always the signs of children in it. My parents liked a clean house but weren't too anal about it. As my middle sister and I grew into teenagers my Mother would shut our bedroom doors because she said the very sight of the rooms depressed her. They tried in vain for years to get us both to make our beds in the morning. I still don't make my bed perfectly every morning. I spread the covers up and that's it. My Mother's bed looks like a floor display at 'Bed, Bath & Beyond'...everyday. For the most part there's no clutter in her house now. I wonder if my kids see her house like I did her Mother's?

I spent today, my day off, cleaning. It's not something I do too often anymore. While on average I wash dishes everyday, I don't clean(CLEAN) as much as I used to. I get extremely frustrated, much like I was tonight. The days of me spending hour after hour dusting, shining, scrubbing are pretty much over. I delegate most of those chores out in the afternoon. Everyone moans and groans about these chores but I've come to the point where I refuse to pick up crap nearly grown adults choose to drop wherever they see fit. I wonder sometimes if I'll get to the point my Mother and Grandmother have gotten to?

I have some friends that have maids, they live in houses that look like a museum. They aren't warm and inviting--nothing says "Come on in and sit a spell" like some scattered newspapers and a few dirty dishes in the sink--they seem cold and impersonal. A dear friend once told me that she didn't make too much of a fuss about having a spotless house. She said she wanted her children to remember good times like picnic's with the family, a big pillow fight with friends, or just dinner everynight with the family; not her barking out orders and complaints regarding their house. I like that notion, I like it very much.

I wonder what my house really smells like?

Yes it's Spring. Yes I'm happy to see the sunny skies and warm weather. What I was not expecting was the torment of allergies. Sure I suffer slightly every Spring but never have I been this miserable. I'd love to have a Benadryl the size of my fist! But thanks to the heart problem I can't take any antihistamines. Great. I do have some prescription Clarinex but that's done about as much good as a Band-Aid would on a six inch gaping wound.

Yesterday I spent 2 hours on the soccer field in the beaming sun. I knew that the precautions of a new medication had said I could be especially sensitive to sunlight, what it didn't say was that 2 hours in the sun would give you second degree burns. I have a great start to a farmer's tan. Again, great.

I feel like my head is packed with cotton, I sneeze constantly and this wheezing makes me sound like I have a raging case of TB. I'm thinking a chronic yeast infection would be better than this. Ok maybe not but I'm really whiny now and just want some RELIEF!

My daughter is nearly 19, she's sexually active and I know it. Should I be angry? She's been dating her boyfriend for almost 2 years. I know she's on birth control and I also know her boyfriend insists on using condoms as well, just in case. You may know that I am a Christian and not ashamed of that fact. However, I am also a realistic, hip(ok maybe only in MY mind) Mother. She has been raised to know that abstaining is the right thing to do morally, but I vividly remember being that age and in love.

Is it wrong for me to have such a blase' attitude toward this? She knows I don't condone their behavior, but I don't protest like maybe I should. Can I ride the Christian fence on this and be true to my own beliefs? I can't stand up and say I'm not guilty of the same thing, I am. In fact I pray that she doesn't partake in even a portion of the sinning I've done in my life.

Can we as parents condemn our children for being human and doing many of the same senseless things we did? Or would be better off to be upfront and honest and try to steer them toward better choices? I have a hard time playing the role of hypocrite, it's hard for me to stand up and condemn my daughter when I know she does have morals and I know that she's being intimate with someone she truly loves. Would it make any difference if I did? Forbiding her to date or to be alone with him in order to avoid sexual activity is only going to push her out of this house and right into his.

I'd love some input on this, regardless of age, sex or religious persuasion. And if you've lived through this before maybe some advice on surving it! Hope everyone's having a great weekend :)

The man came home tonight and told me he'd talked to his Father who lives in Colorado. Unfortunately his sister is afflicted by Alzheimer's disease and is soon to be living in a nursing home. Bad, very bad for her and the family...but potentially could be something that I've needed for 18 months now...THE BEACH!!!

My Father and Mother in law are going to be in Florida, Satellite Beach to be exact, the first week of May. My Father in law would like me and the husband to come down and stay a few days. Driving to Florida is a drop in the bucket for us Tennesseans, we've all done it summer after summer.

So keep your fingers crossed that this all works out! My daughter graduates on May 20th, so I'm hoping that none of my Father in law's plans change. If they don't I'm gonna be lounging on the beach for atleast two days! And hopefully meeting up with adpierin11!!! Wouldn't that be cool?

I SOOOOO need this sabatical. Pray it all comes to pass. I'll keep you posted :)

Along with reality TV I also LOVE 'Sex and The City', I have for years. I was hooked the first time I watched it. I was a very single woman at that time and felt like that television show was based on single women everywhere, minus the gorgeous New York apartments, $500 shoes, exciting nightlife, etc. Minus all the luxurious "things" the banter the four friends share was shockingly similar to myself and friends.

Thanks to TBS I can re-watch the reruns for years...or atleast I hope so! I love all the characters, but I'd have to say that Carrie was probably my favorite. For one reason I love the way she writes, secondly I too, am a shoe-hound. I absolutely LOVE shoes. While I cannot afford Manolo Blahnik's, I do have a closet full of shoes. I've bought shoes and then built an outfit around them.

I noticed in an episode tonight that Carrie is skipping down the sidewalk of Manhattan in 4 inch Manolo's, jumping over puddles and the like. Sarah Jessica Parker and I are relatively the same age, but I KNOW I don't have the agility and grace to pull that one off, lol. As I thought about it tonight I reasoned with myself, "Well she was a dancer for years, that would explain her poise and would also explain her size 0 clothing.'

There are about 5 television shows per week that I will arrange my schedule to see, the already watched 'Sex' episodes are one of those. It's like stepping back into time. Not a particularly satisfying time of life for me, but more like a fantasy life I once lived. I don't miss it at all, but how could I, I have reruns to take me there.



Here's to Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, Charlotte, and single women everywhere :)

...first and foremost the stray dog that showed up on our doorstep last night disappeared sometime today. She was here when I left this morning but no sign of her since. I pray this was divine intervention. I want to thank everyone who read and/or commented on the previous post about her, there are some great folks roaming around tBLOG :)

Just some things that popped into my head tonight...

*I really need to clean out my closet. I have clothes in there that are too small, clothes that are too big, and a few things that the fashion police would arrest me for wearing again!

*My husband has acid-reflux that he always forgets to take his medication for. Because he forgets to take it he wakes up several times during the night, sits straight up and then makes this horrible gagging noise! He sounds like an old, clogged up toilet. It's not a pretty site.

*People here talk bad. Really bad.

*I love to see what people buy at Sam's(or Costco). There's something about buying in bulk that fascinates me.

*I also love to see what other people order at restaurants. If it looks really good and I'm not sure what it is sometimes I'll ask, and also see if they reccomend it.

*I am loving this season of The Amazing Race--yes I love reality tv and I'm not ashamed to say it. I'm also looking forward to the new one on Lifetime(I think) with Catherine Oxenberg called, "I Married A Princess."

*Been craving a reuben sandwich, I don't like sauerkraut but I like a little on the sandwich.

That's it for now. Hope everyone's having a great week!

Early this evening we had unexpected company...a young, female, pregnant Huskie. She has a collar on but no tags. The location of our home makes us prime targets for stray's as you might know if you've read any of my archives.

All the guys had a fit over this dog, she is beautiful. But I put my foot down in protest letting all of them know the LAST thing we needed was another dog. Me and the middle step-son loaded the dog in the van to try and find her owners. All our "neighbors" live atleast a half-mile away but I thought she had to belong to someone. Surely nobody would drop off a pure bred dog this pretty...and pregnant.

Several people had seen her in this area today but no one knew who her owner was. After driving around for awhile I began to realize this dog had indeed been 'dropped out' to make it on her own. I was very angry at that thought, why would the owners not just take her to the shelter? I'm sure they'd care for her until she delivered and the new puppies would most likely be adopted. I'm not sure she'd have as good a fate, but a pain-free end to her life would have been much more humane that dropping her off on a desolate country road. How could people do this?

I'll tell you how, so many people in our society just want to 'dump' their problems anywhere they can, including pregnant dogs. In the last two years we've seen it over and over again. I wonder if whomever dropped her off is having trouble sleeping tonight like I am because she's barking constantly? No I'd say not. Out of sight, out of mind. I have a lot of trouble littering the roads with a candy bar wrapper, I can't imagine dumping a pregnant dog off for someone else to take care of...if there's a kind enough soul out there to take care of her.

I suppose Bob Barker has a good point about getting pets spayed and neutered. Those people in the habit of accepting the responsibility of caring for a pet until they can't be bothered with them anymore should pay particular attention.

Any thoughts?

Spring Break's over and it's back to the daily grind tomorrow for the kids. This week has proven one thing to me, I CANNOT wait for Summer :)

We have less than 8 weeks of school left. YAY! My daughter will graduate in 6 weeks. That kind of makes me a little sad...seems like only yesterday she left me sobbing uncontrolably in the hallway on her first day of kindergarten. Yes I was the one that was crying, not her. She was SO excited about school. She'd been an only child up until the Fall that she started kindergarten. She'd loved pre-school and was anxious to learn at 'big girl school'. She told me that anyway, I think maybe she was just tired of playing Barbie's with me and was yearning for kid interaction.

Nobody got in bed early tonight, I fully expect tomorrow morning to be a living Hell. But it will be over soon enough. I know there's going to come a day that I miss all the hustle and bustle of the kids and the hectic family life, but for now it's back to reality and chaos as we know it.

Hope you all have a great Monday :)

The husband and I have been mulling over the possibility of buying another car for the last few months. As it stands now our yard looks a little like a used car dealership. At last count, there's my mini-van, his work car, his truck(small, old and mainly used to haul trash to the landfill), my daughters car, the husband's 'old' truck--that is now a hobby for the boys to "work" on, and I'll also add the daughter's boyfriend's car since he's here ALL the time. That's SEVEN cars.

I love my van, it's 14 years old and runs like a dream. It's had paint refreshed and a new interior headliner. It's a Chevy Lumina and...well...it's ugly, kind of resembles a moon buggy. But honestly some of the brand new cars we test drove today didn't run nearly as good. I promise you I'll drive that thing 'til the wheels fall off of it. The interior is still in fantastic shape and I don't see the point of getting a new one when I'm hauling around so many kids. Can you tell yet that for the last couple of months I've been trying to talk the hubby out of buying anything else? lol

I absolutely hate going in debt, hate it. My first husband and I bought two houses within two years. After we signed the loan papers on the second one, I had to take to my bed! I just despise it. When I was single I never thought much about being a homeowner again, figured it was easier to rent and let the landlord fix the problems. During that single time my credit was in shambles. Luckily the divorce didn't ruin me, but afterwards I hung on to a couple of credit cards that I let get behind and finally cancelled. I also backed out of a cell phone contract that was charged off. Since then I haven't gone in debt for much else, but during the lean times(and I do mean lean) most of my normal bills were paid late. Actually most all of them were as it was a struggle just to keep my electricity on most months.

My husband has MEGA debts from his divorce. His ex wife walked out and left him with the kids and all the debt. While she didn't make as much money as he did, she left a car loan, and multiple medical bills(she carried the health insurance because her employer offered a better deal), and a ton of other unpaid bills. I knew at that time he also had one of the vehicles reposessed. I honestly thought we'd be turned down by every car dealership...

Since it's been SO long since I bought a car I had NO idea that they'd finance most anyone that had a good job regardless of your credit history. Of course this comes at a price, and that price is a huge interest rate. After we found the car we were 'considering' we started that daunting task of the financing application. My husband was pretty much turned down flat, letting that car loan default is a major black mark on his report. But here's the surprising part, I have a decent, above national average Beacon Score! The dealership really wanted to sell a car--imagine that--and were willing to work with us. The loan is technically in my name with the husband standing as Co-Applicant. His income is triple what mine is so we needed that money showing up.

We brought home the Ford Explorer...not sure at what point we figured an SUV would be a good idea! Gas is only $2.15 a gallon, let's get a big gas guzzling monster. We had a good down payment and the monthly installments are very tolerable. The car has low miles and a warranty! I think this would be my cue to take to my bed...

It's 2 a.m. and here I sit in front of the computer. I fell asleep at 9 p.m. and slept until 11: 30 p.m. I awoke expecting the Pope to have died, but bless his heart he's still hanging on. What on Earth will FOX NEWS and CNN broadcast once he's gone?

I woke up hungry. Strange. That usually never happens, due to the amount of medication I lay in my belly before going to bed. I suppose it's not so strange since I forgot to take the meds. Gonna do that right now...

Still hungry, hungry for breakfast...which is even MORE odd.

If I could have any breakfast I wanted right now it would include;

One egg, over easy--yes the yolks have to be runny and no I don't worry about salmonella.

Bacon, friend crisp--that limp, chewy bacon triggers my gag reflex.

Grits, a steaming helping of them--these are only to be eaten with salt, black pepper and butter. I think it should be against the law to put sugar on them! Sugar is for cream of wheat, butter, salt & pepper and for some red-eye gravy is for grits. *the runny egg yolk is particularly good mixed with these too*

A buttermilk biscuit--My grandmother can make awesome buttermilk biscuits. I'll admit if I make breakfast it's usually the Pillsbury frozen biscuits that get served.

Gravy--We like to call it 'Sawmill Gravy'. It doesn't come from a mix or a can. It's poured over the biscuit that has been split in half. Alot of people crumble their biscuit, I prefer to cut it up.

My husband always wants waffles for breakfast, not just any waffle but one with a fried egg on top of it(there goes that gag reflex again). Some people prefer pancakes. There's a lot to be said for a good blueberry muffin for breakfast. But for me the above is just about perfect. Oh and add a glass of iced tea. I don't drink coffee, orange juice is ok but I'd rather have the tea.

So what would you like for breakfast?

The husband and I are still in counseling sessions, eventhough I haven't posted much about it. I guess I was a little leary, afraid I'd jinx things. I have mixed emotions about our 'Life Coaches/Therapist'; the husband is the Life Coach and his wife is a licensed therapist. Sessions are a little odd, and it's hard for me to elaborate the "odd" part. I am still encouraged, especially since I DO think we're making progress.

In the course of the last 3 weeks I have come to several epiphanies. Some concerning my marriage, some about myself and some about the way I tend to view others. All of those I consider to be beneficial.

I was getting to the point in my marriage where I felt I didn't know my husband. In the 3 years we've known one another it seemed to me that he'd done a 180-degree turn around. That was my inital belief, slowly but surely though my insecurity took over and I convinced myself I had to be some sort of monster to live with, thus making his change understandable. I am relieved to finally see that neither of those thoughts are accurate.

When Tim and I met both of us were at a very precarious point in our lives. Both seriously wounded sparrows, so to speak. We no longer knew how to trust someone of the opposite sex, nor did we believe we'd ever find that special person to share our lives with. When we met it was euphoric. Each of us seemed to be the answer to the other one's prayers. If you've ever experienced such a thing you know what a surreal kind of time it can be. While it was surreal, it was not "real".

A year into our relationship I can truthfully say we'd never had one fight or argument. We seemed to agree on absolutely everything. There were certain 'gray area's' that we just left alone, for example, child rearing. How we managed to co-exist like that is still a mystery to me. When I'd get together with my girlfriends all of them would have some sort of negative remarks to make about their signifigant others, but not me. I couldn't come up with one complaint. To me, he was perfect. THAT should have been my first clue.

Mr. Too Perfect never criticized me, he never disagreed with me. We shared our views and spent hours and hours talking. There was nothing that we couldn't iron out. Again, this should have been a clue.

What I've learned while in counseling(and probably something I knew all along) was the sad truth was neither he or myself were actually being ourselves. We were so crazy in love that we couldn't see the proverbial forest for the trees. It was a magical time, but if I really think back I had some doubts. I couldn't believe that a man would live each day only to please me. And even more surprising was how easy it was for me to do the same in return.

I realize that, while not maliciously, neither of us were truly honest about who we are and what we thought. We were in love, and after failed relationships for both of us, all we wanted was the fairytale. But real life isn't a fairytale. The realization of this nearly cost us our very short marriage. We're learning how to communicate...honestly. We're learning that the very things that drew us to each other in the beginning are the glue that's holding us together now. We have no doubts about our love for each other, and we're both excited and encouraged about "really" getting to know one another...again.

I suppose the old adage is true, "If it seems to good to be true, then it probably is!"