The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

**DISCLAIMER** This is one of my fav little fwd's from e-mail. It's been around a pretty long time so many of you may have read atleast a few. This disclaimer is to say these are not meant to offend anyone, be forewarned that there are jokes dealing with various nationalities, sexual preferences, geographical locales and their locals, political jabs, and so on and so forth. I personally fall into several of the categories that these little jokes make fun of, I hope you will enjoy them as I did and not be offended. We all need to let go and laugh every once and awhile :-)

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.


What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag..


Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US Leader.


Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick..


What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs.



What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.



What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.



What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.



What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

Are you sure it's mine?"



What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



What's the Cuban National Anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"



Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.



What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage along with... "a recipe".


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!



What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale

begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."


Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

**DISCLAIMER** Before reading this I must tell you, the reader, that I am in immense pain(minor surgical procedure that consisted of 2 big assed needles of cortisone plunged into my abdomen this morning) and probably shouldn't be in control of a keyboard or anything else that requires sound judgement to operate. With that said...

I only discovered the blogging world about 6 months ago. I was no Internet novice, I've been petting the web for over 7 years. I feel that I am pretty seasoned where it's concerned. I've done the chat addiction thing, I've had the online romance thing--unfortuately I married that one :-(, I've made some absolutely fantastic friends I've had the honor of meeting, etc. etc. While I feel there are many, many genuine people online in every virtual genre available. My beef is the almost transparent 'kissy kissy' mentality. I don't mean to step on any toes(see disclaimer above, lol.) But do people actually think when someone says ((((((FinalyFree)))))) you're really getting a hug? Is anyone impressed by this? Granted I've never been a (((((***))))) kind of person, but I am always friendly. Call me skeptical or maybe even borderline bitchy, but I think the majority of it is pure BS. Some people remind of me of the girl in High School who wanted to be everyone's friend. You know, the one who had that fake smile plastered on her face and coined the term 'perky'? I have played an online game for years and have some dear friends there, and there's alot of them who are (((((***))))) people. I never ((((****))))'d to fit in, I felt it was insincere and just a wee bit fake, on my part it would have been. I don't run up to friends I see on a regular basis in real life and hug them. I ususally reserve that behavior for weddings, class reunions, funerals, etc.

To me I can convey in words my pleasure of  seeing someone,  be it in real life or virtual life. I'm not online to recruit new best friends. I am respectful to folks, when I see someone online that I haven't seen in awhile I'll let them know I'm glad to see them. And on rare occasions when there's an online chum who's going through a rough patch in their life I'll send a virtual card that just might contain a virtual hug :-)

Any thoughts?

Ya, ya, ya I am one of those people that has to get the things. The last time I had the flu was right after being diagnosed with the heart thingy. We'd just bought our first house, the ex moved the sofa in first and I stayed there for 48 hours until I was hospitalized. I haven't missed a shot since then.

The small town I live in was getting 400 or so immunizations. You know the drill of who 'reallly' needed to get one this year due to the shortage. I arrived at the location they were being given at about 3 hours before they started. It was clearly evident that I would be one of the lucky ones and would get it. In fact most everyone that showed up got one. That's a good thing.

I knew I would be young compared to the majority of people waiting. I was right. I saw one other person there who looked to be in my age bracket and he was on oxygen. A good thing about living in a small town is the fact that you know just about everyone. So there weren't many puzzling looks in my direction, most there knew I had a pretty serious heart disease. And I figure the ones that didn't thought I was probably pregnant. I enjoyed 'visiting' with alot of the folks, all in all it was a pretty positive experience. Except for...the trip to the restroom.  This is one of my absolute biggest pet peeves, restrooms that is. When my daughter was a baby I worked for an industrial cleaning service. I did this because I could do the job after her father got home and pick up extra money. I cleaned a sewing mill Mon, Wed and Fri. The things I saw in those restrooms were undescribable. The men's room was bad. But nothing compared to the women's. I was shocked to see the way those women trashed those restrooms. From that moment on I have been very critical of public restrooms. Yesterday after getting my shot I had to use the restroom. There was probably 6 stalls. I picked one right in the middle, opened the door and there it was....piss all over the seat. I checked every single one of them to find exactly the same thing. Now ladies, I fear germs just as much as the next gal, but I also am considerate of people using this after me. I cover the lid with t.p. I know it's an expense to use that much paper, but I figure if the establishment won't shell out the pennies to get seat covers, I won't feel guilty about using it. I taught both my kids not to sit down on public commodes but I also taught them to cover the seat with tissue. It drives me INSANE to see a commode covered in someone else's pee! If you're not going to sit down, and you're not going to cover it in tissue, then for the love of God clean up your mess when you're finished. I don't know how anyone can make that kind of mess and just walk off and leave it? Do they figure no one else is going to use it before the cleaning crew comes in? The ladies yesterday, for the most part, were elderly so I realize that they may not have the physical dexterity to wrap the seat, but they could atleast lift the lid. You're not going to sit on anything anyhow, so just lift the lid and do your job.

Any input? Comments?

I took a much deserved break from life in general this weekend! I feel a bit more refreshed. Having time to pause, I started thinking about the lists of interesting facts many bloggers have posted. So after a day of soul cleansing I thought I'd share my own...

1. I am the oldest of 3 girls.


2. For my 7th birthday I picked out a "G.I. Joe" bicycle set complete with machine gun and bullets(the bullets were promptly taken away after I pelted my next door neighbor while she was hanging out her laundry)canteen and helment.


3. I pee'd in my chair in 1st grade.


4. I was the tallest girl in 8th grade at 5'5, I grew exactly one inch more.


5. I dislocated both patella's 4 times by the 9th grade.


6. I had the left knee 'scoped' to correct damage from #4 three years ago.


7. I once had a root canal that took 3 days to finish!


8. I was voted 'Wittiest' of my Senior Class


9. I never went to my own Prom.


10. I spent 3 months of my Junior Year of H.S. at Vanderbilt Hospital helping my mother care for my youngest sister.


11. I never drove to school...but I never rode a bus either.


12. I've never had a close family member die.


13. My best friend was killed in an auto accident our Freshman yr. of college.


14. I have an IQ of 151--my parents had high hopes, lol


15. I have never been arrested.


16. I still call my Father 'Daddy'.


17. I call my Mother 'Mother'.


18. I am the queen of run-on sentences.


19. I am an excellent cook.


20. I hate doing dishes.


21. I've never had short hair.


22. I was a clogger for many years.


23. I was a 'wedding singer' for a time.


24. I started singing in my church choir at age 12.


25. My daughter was born on my Great Grandmother's birthday, 92 yrs later.


26. I hate my freckles--I tried the 'Jan Brady' lemon juice method for getting rid of them several times.


27. I fly, but only with Prince Valium.


28. I married a man I met on the Internet--the marriage lasted 3 wks.(there goes the IQ)


29. When I travel I pack no less than 6 pairs of shoes, usually more.


30. I despise racism.


31. I take left-over food home from restaurants for my dog..on more than one occasion I've given it to people with signs saying "Will work for food."


32. I have met several friends in real life that I met online in real life. I did not marry any of them.


33. I must have a bubble bath atleast once a week.


34. My toenails are always painted.


35. I love my children, dearly.


36. I like my children's step-mother.


37. I dislike the man married to my children's step-mother.


38. In high school I had a fling with one of my good friend's boyfriends. I'm still carrying around that baggage :-(


39. I've never traveled abroad.


40. I love to read, but only in cold weather.


41. I never met my Daddy's father.


42. I don't like really long trips by car with children.


43. My husband and I want to own an RV and travel the US when we retire.


44. I was diagnosed with a very serious genetic heart disease when I was 26.


45. I take 6 medications a day to stay alive--this will humble you.


46. I stop for funeral processions(but I think this is mainly a Southern thang!)


47. I don't eat banana's or peanut butter--not separately or together.


48. I won numerous spelling bee's in grammar school.


49. In High School I was a 'band twinkie'--a disclaimer here...we weren't as dorky as most bands(denial maybe?) but most of the members were athletes and honor roll students. And several were hellions, I remember too many times swigging vodka in the back of the bus.


50. I can play the clarinet, flute and saxophone...yes still to this day.


51. I've always wanted a nose job.


52. I eat ice constantly.


53. I once got my boss fired for sexual harrassment. He was a slimey man that trapped me in a supply closet and tore my shirt. I was 18.


54. I think a woman should have the right to choose.


55. I married my first husband twice. (that IQ score goes right out the window again!)


56. I have very strong religious convictions.


57. I am NO saint.


58. I do not judge others.


59. My mouth is my downfall, I could give a sailor a run for his money on a bad day.


60. I think every good woman deserves to be a bitch sometimes.


61. I don't like pedicures.


62. I am MADLY in love with my husband.


63. I have never cheated on any man I was involved with.


64. I have been cheated on my 95% of all the men I was involved with. (The current husband hasn't, lol)


65. I didn't mind being single.


66. I consider myself very selfless, my children come first in everything, then my husband, then my family. I can't remember the last time I did anything for me. Not complaining, I'm proud of the fact.


67. I don't trust the majority of men.


68. I don't trust the majority of women. (Several so called 'friends' had affairs with husband #1)


69. I have never been attracted to a blonde man. Ok Brad Pitt, lol


70. I drive a mini-van like all good soccer/football moms.


71. I have no defined political convictions.


72. I don't take compliments well.


73. I am a Pisces and a very good swimmer.


74. I helped coach a city swim league 4 years ago, one of our swimmers had epilepsy and wasn't properly medicated. She went down in the pool. It was the worst thing I've ever seen. You see things like this re-enacted on television but it's so much worse when you're part of it. She was 14 and didn't survive.


75. My Mother has never told me she loved me, but I've never doubted that she does.


76. I tell my children I love them atleast a dozen times a day.


77. I really don't like my husbands ex-wife.


78. I like speaking in public.


79. I am very afraid of big dogs.


80. I don't like animals in the house.


81. I once spent 12 days in Vegas and won $25.00--but I didn't lose either, lol.


82. I don't like to shop like most women, I like to browse a bit but not all day, just for the heck of it. If I can get a good deal on shoes and a bag I'm set!


83. I love vintage clothing stores and consignment shops.


84. I cry easily. I currently love "Extreme Home Make-Over" and I cry each and every week.


85. I don't cry when I'm mad.


86. My husband makes me breakfast in bed atleast once a month.


87. I have had 6 cardio-versions.


88. I don't hate hospitals. I've grown up in them.


89. I don't hate going to the dentist--eventhough the aforementioned root canal should have scared me for life!


90. I don't like big fluffy pillows. The man tells me mine are like bricks.


91. I can't wait to have grand-children.


92. When I'm alone I drive too fast.


93. I love a cold beer every once in a while.


94. I love to watch any sport on TV. When the husband and I were dating he thought it was just an act to impress him, lol. He learned the hard way it wasn't.


95. I'm dreading turning 40.


96. I want to learn to play the piano.


97. I am a reality TV junkie.


98. I am very competitive--My husband calls me 'Monica' as in Monica Geller on "Friends".


99. I always wanted an older brother.


100. I am happier now than I ever have been in my life :-)

It's been a long, long time since I was so utterly exhausted. This week at work was horrible. Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines. grrrr 4 nights a week there is some sport practice to transport a child to and from. The oldest male works but can't drive, his shift(s) is usually 4-10 or 11. The man and I are barely conscious at that hour. Then on Saturday's there's atleast 2 games to attend. Both of which take about  2 hours to complete. Then on Sunday it's the race to get everyone to church or work.

As bleary eyed and weary boned as I am, I wouldn't change my life with anyone. As hectic as things typically are, this is what I was meant to do. Now if I were independently wealthy I would atleast hire someone to clean my house, do my laundry and possibly help carpool the kids. But even without any help I still can't think of anything I'd rather be doing....well except maybe for sleeping :-)

Nytol!

My 12 yr old son is very special to me. Special in many ways. He's the only male in my immediate family. For some reason my Father and his siblings could only sire females. We had an immediate bond  the moment I got to spend time with him, which was about a week after he was born. I was diagnosed with a very serious genetic heart disease when I was 38 wks pregnant with him. I spent 14 days prior to delivering  on the cardiac floor. After a well orchestrated delivery he went to the NICU and I went to the cardiac ICU. I was heavily sedated for two days, I don't remember even seeing him until day 4 after his birth.

Another reason he's very special to me is because of his sense of humor. He has a very dry wit and doesn't 'try' to be funny. He's about to turn 13, born on Halloween...maybe that adds to his appeal? In the last 9 months or so he's become acutely aware of his genitals. I'm sure it happened long before I noticed, but more recently he's become very brazen about inspecting his 'package'. (See previous post about men and their penis') About a month ago he came in my bedroom as my husband and I lie reading and watching tv. He came to ask me a question but I couldn't concentrate on his question because as he stood there 3 ft. away he had his hand down his pants playing with the boys. I stopped him mid-sentence and said, "Jacob, if  you don't leave that 'thing' alone your eyes are gonna cross and stay that way!" He looks at me, dead serious and says, "Aw, Momma you don't have to worry about that, usually when I do this I have my eyes closed!" I damn near popped a vein.

I have this friend, we'll call her 'Linda'. I've known Linda since I was 5 yrs old. We're actually distantly related. She is a very strong, independent woman. Single mother of several. I admire much about her. But she is without a doubt one of the BITCHIEST women I have ever met.

We went to school together, but like many school friends, you loose touch once you settle into adulthood. We ran into each other shortly after my divorce, her divorce took place one month earlier. We began to 'run' together in that single lifestyle. She really didn't have any close friends. And the ones that were once close had become scarce in her life. At first I wondered why, soon it became painfully obvious; because she was a thoroughbred BITCH(and not in a good way).

She's rude, lude, crude and all those other 'ude' words. She considers herself to be straightforward and blunt. Others consider her a BITCH. I've even been asked how I can stand to be around her. She can be mean and condescending at the drop of a hat. Even to us "so called" friends.

She considers herself to be very intelligent, and on many fronts she is. But she has no tact. She has a big heart and has helped me out so many times I can't keep count. I have returned the favor because I know deep down inside she's a good person. But after being on the receiving end of one of her 'moods' I'm tempted to cut my losses and become one of disappearing friends.

I'm sure the right thing to do would be to try and talk to her instead of abandoning her. But I know it wouldn't help, she is who she is. I suppose grinning and bearing it will be the order of the day.

I've known how lucky I am for a long time. Not the kind of "luck" that wins lottery's or bingo. But lucky by the grace of God. This isn't a sermon, but I have very strong convictions. And my kind of luck comes from a higher power no matter what name it goes by.

I work as an Administrative Assistant-yes the politically correct title for a secretary these days. I do double duty as a Food Bank Coordinator. The latter is extremely emotionally draining some days. Today was one of them.

This Food Bank is a cooperative effort of the community. We get no subsidies from state or federal agencies. Because of this we've had to limit the number of times we can give away food. Times are hard and we have more requests than ever. Many of our 'patrons' do in fact use us to suppliment their households due to mismanagement or addictions. And then there are those that are just too damn lazy to work. But every so often someone comes in that really makes me think. There was the lady one time that came in so disgustingly dirty and smelly I could barely stand to be in the same room with her. She was eating a sandwich. A deli type thing. Even the sandwich looked dirty. She told me she had found it in a dumpster of a local grocery store. She was living in her car. As we gave her the food she looks up with all sincerity and says "Do ya have any dog food? I have four dogs living with me." I stood there not knowing what to say. Then after she left I realized those dogs were probably the only family she had. And then I was sad.

Today a woman came in, she was probably younger than I was. She was so timid. Immediately I thought she might be 'under the influence', as alot of the patrons are. After a few moments I realized she was just ashamed and uncomfortable asking for food. Her face looked tired and haggard. Through her tears she told me her story, and when she told me she didn't know what to put in the blank on the application that asked for her previous address, I asked her why and she said, "We lived in this town, but we lived in a tent for 9 months." My heart broke. Here was a woman in the prime of her life, with two children about the same age as mine, alone living in a tent. I couldn't and still can't imagine what that must have been like.

Right then I thanked my God for all I had, and all I'd done without in my life. This woman makes all those bad days and lies from lazy people worth coming  to work for.

Ok, I vented about the lack of work men have to do these days in order to start the mating ritual in my last post primarily to segue  into this one.

If you're not a first time reader, you probably know I have one son and 3 step-sons under the age of 17. All of these young men are 'cute'. I won't say drop dead  handsome because I think all boys or young men go through that awkward stage. I personally think they're all adorable and obviously so do their female peers. Hence my point, our phone rings virtually non-stop from daylight to dark with girls calling. And they call over and over and OVER again.

I remember the first time I found out my 13 yr old daughter was calling boys, I sat her down and told her to let them call her. Went through a version of my previous post trying to explain that the boys would come to the age when the girls that were less attainable would be the ones they'd be attracted to(of course I knew that alot of them would sit back on their laurels and let the women come to them).

I'm all for equality. And I'll admit I am old-fashioned.  But I still think that men are more enamored with the females that are somewhat aloof and unavailable. That theory is blown right out of the water when I see how flattered my boys are with these girls calling all the time.

Do I just need to get with the times? They tell me that it's cool for girls to call boys. But it just seems to make the males in my house more lazy and pompous.

All of my children tell me I'm 'old' and not 'with it'. But I like chivalry, I like the way my husband holds the door open for me. I liked it when he called me after our first meeting.

Are my expectations too high or simply unrealistic?

...you get the proverbial milk for free?

When I became suddenly single 7 years ago I truly dreaded the 'single scene'. For in my geographical locale that translates into the 'bar scene.' I hate the bar scene, I avoided it for almost two years. When I did finally take the plunge I was astonished how much things had changed. I also noticed how much my new 'running crew' had changed. The crew consisted of mostly divorced women around the same age that had grown up together, yet had lost touch once we were married and starting families. *Interesting how divorce while destroying one unit can bring together another.

My first evening out with the girls, we went to a local Sports Bar. I didn't even know it existed. Everything looked about like I had pictured it to look in my mind. Smoky, loud, crowded and to me depressing. But I put on a brave face and was determined to have fun. Back in the old days(pre-marriage and kids) I'd go to bars around the campus which were not like bars anywhere else. They were more like slightly organized orgy's. You knew you'd had a good time by the amount of beer you had spilled on you when you got home. But this was a 'grown-up' bar, ha! After ordering a beer we found a table. One of my favorite pasttimes is people watching. And the bar scene has a bevy of people watching opportunities.

What I found immediately disturbing was how the gender tables had shifted. In the good ol days, ladies would have a seat and men would come over and ask them to dance. I noticed early on more men were just sitting while the women milled around like a buyer at a stockbarn would. I sat there for 3 hours amazed at how little effort men now had to put into the 'meeting' ritual. I was a little disappointed and jealous. I asked my girlfriends who had been single and exposed to this  behavior longer if this was normal. They laughed and said I'd be doing the same thing before long. "Like hell" I thought to myself. I AM worth the hunt. And I never waivered on that. I did sit alot more than they did, but I had a little dignity. I love the art of wooing. I love to see a handsome man approaching me asking for a dance. I love the small talk neither of you can understand because the music's so loud. Call me old fashioned but to me that's just the way it was meant to be.

I wouldn't have any problem buying a man a drink, turn about's fair play. But there's no way I'd ever sachet up to a man and proceed to rub my boobs on their chest while flipping my hair from side to side to make an impression. Call me conceited, but I never had to. Now the younger guys ate that stuff up. I guess that's all they've ever been used to. But I met a large number that didn't mind asking me to dance and have a good conversation. I felt like the others(I normally affectionately called them the trollops)gave women a bad name.  Hell they don't get to experience child-birth or a monthly cycle, they already make more money than we do for the same work, and when they do have a wife and children chances are they'll do very little to help the little wifey out. **I must interject that I married the exception to that last rule, we are equals and split all the work...but those are few and far between girls. I do believe those on the cusp can be trained. So there is hope**

If anyone reading this is one of those girls making it easy on the guys I say ENOUGH of that! They've come to the bar for the same reason you have. Why should they get to sit back and pick and choose? That's been OUR job for centuries, don't let them take that away from us too! Through genetics the male species are hunters...well make them HUNT!

And keep your cows at home in the barn where they belong. It takes alot of wining and dining to sample the milk :-)

:oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:

Ok twice today I've bloged two stellar posts only to have them disappear in the tBLOG black hole!

Is this normal?

Is there some sort of home remedy to fix it?

Hope this isn't too jumbled or hastily written, if so I'll try to clarify tomorrow. It's 1:40 a.m. and I should be fast asleep. But I have encountered a situation here that I need a little(alot) of advice on. The story goes like this...

...I've made it pretty clear how much I love my husband. I honestly had given up hope of that 'Prince Charming' or "soulmate" type character existing. That was until I met him. Fireworks didn't go off, my knees didn't buckle. There was just something about him. I met him in a bar which is usually taboo. He was just newly divorced, yet even more taboo. And he was raising his 3 boys alone. Ok to some women that would have been taboo, but I so admired him for that. I'll save my rather disdaining opinion of his ex for another time.

Fast forward 2 years. I realized early on that my husband had a rather unique relationship with his former in-laws. In fact they were more like parents to him. He and their daughter dated and she became pregnant when she was 15 and he was 16. His Father practically disowned him because of religious convictions. His girlfriends Mother took him in and provided them a place to live once married and a safe place for their son. That arrangement continued on until they finished school and until he got a good job and the ability to support his new family. He felt that they were his family. His own Father was dealing with the fact this his wife of 20 yrs had left him. He is a very religious man and was just devastated at his wife's infidelity. And on top of that his 16 yr old son was an expectant Father. So he distanced himself from his son and grandson. My husband clung to his 'new' family. He helped raise and mentor his sister's siblings. He was very proud to be an example to them. Then he decided maybe he'd take a walk on the wild side :( Got into some trouble, serious trouble. Did a pretty substantial jail sentence for car theft, then he had to battle the drug habit he'd developed. But I am very proud to say he took it seriously and completely turned his life around. One person was paramount in helping him do that, his brother-in-law. He helped him get a job after he was out of jail and really took him under his wing. Granted since my hubby and I have been together we rarely ever heard from this former brother in law.

Today we find out he has Leukemia. He is a Husband and Father to two young boys. He is only 37. My husband has taken this news very hard. He and I are both very emotional about things like this. I knew it was going to be hard on him. But tonight he was on the phone with the ex brother in law telling him he's going to come out West to see him. A jolt ran down my spine. And I felt my jaw tighten. When he got off of the phone I asked if he was serious, he replied he was. He knew exactly what I was thinking in my mind, I was going over our checkbook balance, the credit card debt, realizing the insurance for 4 vehicles and two teenaged drivers were due...just a plethora of financial obligations. I mentioned these things and he very calmly says "I know, I know. But I have to do it, I'd never forgive myself if he died and I hadn't seen him." I sympathize with that feeling and told him so. But still in the back of my heart my feelings were hurt. They were hurt because these people are not his family anymore. I would never ask him to just turn his back on any of them. In fact I've attended no less than a dozen events/parties at his former Mother In Law's, complete with all his wife's brothers, sisters, and spouses. I've felt extremely uncomfortable each time, eventhough these people are nothing but nice to me. I don't know it just seems a bit weird. Does it seem weird to you? And take our wedding, His family couldn't all make it out, but every bit of hers(the ex wife)was there. It was a bit odd trying to introduce all the former in-laws. Most of these events his ex has been living out of state, but there have been times when we have sit face to face trying to make small talk. Chinese water torture would have been more enjoyable!

Now that I've stated my case, i.e. trying to prove that I don't expect him to completely sever all ties with people who have been like family to him since he was 16, but when I get these immense pangs of jealousy I immediately feel guilty. Does this make any sense at all? When I'm feeling particularly jealous I wanna say 'I want to be here for you during this sad time. Living with cancer is so hard, I know I've done it. And i want you to keep in constant contact with him and try to lift his spirits, and assure him we are praying for him and his entire family.' I mean that very sincerely. But when he talks of flying out, leaving me with all the children, leaving his work that is very plentiful right now, leaving knowing we can ill afford this financially. That's when I want to scream "WE are your family now", "WE need you here." I can honestly say I am by nature very, very selfless. I always put everyone elses needs before my own. But these feelings are making me feel very selfish. I don't like feeling like this.

So am I jealous? Am I insensitive?  I know in my heart I'm not, but maybe it would take an unbiased opinion to show me otherwise. And not to be spiteful, but if the situation were reversed he would look at me and say "You do what you think you need to do." And he would be sincere. He wouldn't tell beforehand he resented it, but it would come out later. That's just human nature, I think.

Any and all observations or suggestions would be muchly appreciated :)

...and a penis, I wonder if I would constantly 'fiddle'("fiddle" is a favorite Southern word that roughly means to play with, for those who might be wondering)with them?

I live in a house with 4 males. I can usually see someone with their hand in their crotch at any given moment of the day. And they continue this behavior in public as if it were nothing. I wonder how my husband would feel if while walking up and down the isles of Wal-Mart I slowed down, positioned my hand in my crotch and began to twist and shift rapidly, then just continue looking for Swiffer cleaner as if nothing had taken place? I've posed this question to him. He quickly told me I had NO idea what it was like to have a sweaty gland sticking your leg or caught against the stiff seam of a pair of Levi's. He's right, I don't.

However, I do know discomfort. I remember distinctly episodes when I was younger and using pads for feminine protection instead of tampons. No man alive knows the agony of strolling through the mall and something "shifts" and a giant mass of pubic hair somehow becomes attached to the 3 inch wide strip of adhesive on a Stayfree Maxi Pad. I had this happen, more than once. I think the culprit was the narrow crotch area in the bikini underwear that caused it. At any rate, the sudden jolt of pain stopped me dead in my tracks, leaving me to frantically search for the nearest restroom. Appearing to some to be having a type of seizure or something. Never once did it occur to me to just casually grab the pad and shift it. That's just so rude. Right?

But men do it hundreds of times a day. Nobody gasps and grabs their children running away. Nobody reprimands them for the lude gesture. It's just accepted. Sure men are pigs, but can't they be swine with a little dignity and modesty?

While I'm on the subject, have any of you noticed that when you start talking about the pain of childbirth around a group of men, inevitably one of them will chime in with the pain of zipping your dick in your zipper. Then all the men groan and grab their package. I realize that would have to hurt, but lets face it guys very few of you are carrying around rods the size of Long Dong Silver, right? In fact the average penis, erect is what about 6.5 inches? And the majority of time you're zipping up your pants you're not sporting wood. Ok there are those times when you might have to, but we're talking in general here. How can you so carlessly place your dearest organ that close to metal teeth? I mean you all are the ones that covet it so, giving it names, lying about it's size in the locker room etc. How could you be so careless? Growing up I remember my Mom & Dad telling me and my sister that if we kicked our young male neighbor there it could kill him. KILL? If that were even remotely a possibility I would protect that schlong with all that was in me. I'd wrap it in a sock before zipping up just as a precautionary measure!

I will admit I think it would be cool to be able to write my name in the snow :)

Let me begin by saying it's not now nor ever has it been my intent to offend anyone using this forum. This blog is simply a curious topic that's concerned me for years.

Main Entry: de·pres·sion
Pronunciation: di-'pre-sh&n, dE-
Function: noun
1 a : the angular distance of a celestial object below the horizon b : the size of an angle of depression
2 : an act of depressing or a state of being depressed : as a : a pressing down : LOWERING b (1) : a state of feeling sad : DEJECTION (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies c (1) : a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force (2) : a lowering of vitality or functional activity
3 : a depressed place or part : HOLLOW
4 : LOW 1b
5 : a period of low general economic activity marked especially by rising levels of unemployment

Ok there's Webster's version...it seems that 'depression' or similar type disorders are at epidemic levels these days. Has anyone else noticed that? I'm not disputing the fact that we all are depressed at some level, at some point, for various reasons. But, from what I have experienced in my own life it seems like WAY too many people are depressed now.

Teenagers-I have lived this one personally. My daughter was diagnosed as suffering from 'depression' at age 14. The so called medical professionals strongly urged me to put her on anti-depressants. I knew this child better than anyone. Sure she was having struggles, sure she was miserable much of the time...and hell bent on making everyone around her just as miserable. But her symptoms just didn't add up to those I found for the clinically depressed. One therapist actually said 'Some teens just need a little "jump start" every morning'. Jump start my ass. This is the point I begin to sound alot like my Mother *shudder* But in my case it was true...my daughter was looking for added attention. She, unfortunately, is very manipulative. And the depression was an outlet for that trait. I realize there ARE very real, serious suffers of this disease and I certainly have empathy for them. My daughter was not one of them. Neither was most of her friends who whinned all the frickin time, wrote dark-morbid poetry, desperate journal entries, etc. I checked around, I asked probing questions of other parents to find out that the mind-set was fairly common.

As I read many of the blogs here, mostly from young people I see the same patterns. Such utter despair.  I just don't understand why.?

I don't limit this exclusively to teenagers. I have many friends in my age bracket that have been taking Prozac for years. They say it just helps them 'cope' with everyday life better. WTF? What happened to problem solving? What happened to taking the good with the bad? Again, I will say most sincerely that I know there are millions who are legitimately plagued with this problem. But what about the other millions who are young and learning you don't need coping skills, just a pill to get you through the day? Or the adults that are just too lazy to face their problems head on and work to find a reasonable solution?

Just wondering.

This just happened to me...went to pick up the office mail as I do everyday. I get mail from all over the country. Most of it is contributions. Anyhoo, I see an envelope that has a handwritten addy on it, I glance down to see my workplace P.O. Box on it. I am on the phone and working at the computer as I grab the letter opener to open all of the mail. The letter, in a plain white #10 envelope I mentioned before is the first one I grab. I open it up and see pretty quickly it's a check. A $7,500 check. I get checks all the time, but not that large. I hang up the phone to see where this money has come from. It is then that I realize this check is not for us. In fact it's not even supposed to be in this STATE!

I live in East TN, this mail was mailed from Philadelphia to Fort Washington, PA. The ONLY thing that could be linked to us was the same P.O. Box!! The zip code is not even remotely close.  I still am not sure what type of company the the computer generated check originated from, but I do know it ended up NOWHERE near it's desired destination.

I taped up the envelope, wrote on the outside it was opened in error and trekked back to the P.O. Now here's the kicker, I go in and speak to one of the workers at the window. I know most of them by name and was sure they'd know I'm not some sort of sicko opening other people's mail. I approach this lady, show her the address and make mention of the fact that the addresses only have a 3-digit number in common. Do you know what her reaction was? SHE LAUGHED! Blew it off like it was nothing. I was floored.

Makes me think twice about sending anything in the mail, bills, gifts etc. And especially after I saw the caviler response I got.

Perhaps The Pony Express and carrier pigeons aren't so obsolete after all?

As badly as I hate to admit it, I've done it. Most everyone of my girlfriends have done it. At one time or another we've settled...settled for the wrong man. Sometimes we settle for 'Mr. Only If He Were...' or 'Mr. There's NO Chance In Hell, But I'm Sick Of Being Alone' or probably the worst one of all; 'Mr. He Has Alot Of Flaws, But I Think I Can Fix Him'. The latter being probably the worst mistake any girl can make.

I'm not suggesting we marry these men (eventhough some do, *ahem*) but many of us do date them more than once. All the while knowing 30 minutes into the first date we should never see this vermin again. There are those that aren't instantly 'settling' material, I like to call them the posers. They pose as a relatively decent guy even if momentarily.

I do know some women that are habitual settlers. These women fascinate me, especially at the age bracket I'm in. I figure once you reach your mid to late 30's you pretty much know what you want. If you don't want marriage or a long term commitment, then you're not technically considered a settler. But the vast majority of single women I know are in fact looking for something long term. And I know atleast 3 off hand that are settling. Settling for various reasons, such as; money (which I find deplorable), companionship ( sorry being alone was never that bad to me), or of course, sex. Sex is something we all need, but why continue any type relationship with someone you really have nothing in common with? That one has never made any sense to me.

I don't think my 'settler' girlfriends would ever admit they are settling. They'd smile and say "Well he's not so bad, and besides I really don't want to hurt his feelings or anything." Bullshit. Wake up girls if these guys weren't happy they'd jump at the first trollop to give them a second glance. With that said, why is it that we females are willing to settle so often?

I think that women who say they've never, ever settled for whatever reason, for whatever amount of time are the same type of women that say they don't masturbate...liars in denial!

I am so utterly exhausted today...

I just looked in the mirror and saw some tired old face looking back at me. Granted there was no bondo or spackle(make-up) on it, but it just shouldn't look like this! 

Maybe I'm just feeling old because of the daughter's birthday. Or maybe it's the fact that that old dear friend insomnia is visiting again?

Makes me wonder if tuition for the children's education is more important than nip/tuck? I suppose Extreme Makeover is still an option, lol.

Gotta get a little sentimental now. 18 years ago at this very moment I was laying flat of my back, in agony, right smack dab in the middle of labor. I was 21 years old. I seemed very young, but I knew that even my the mid 80's I wasn't all that young to be having a child.

I remember being 18 vividly. I remember exactly what I was doing, wearing, listening to on the radio. I thought it was the coolest time ever. I could and did vote in the Presidential election. My daughter will get to do the same in Nov.

I see all the excitement in her eyes. My heart aches for her in the same vein. She asked me the other day if I'd like to be her age again. And I told her honestly 'not a chance in hell'. And I mean that. For me the 20's were a dreadful time. I didn't know how dreadful they were until I was in my mid 30's. My boss said he'd definintely go back and do it again if had the knowledge he has now. I don't even think I would go that route. Each of us takes different paths in our lives, but I think the trip down the 20-something expressway is a bit problematic for all. Oh I hear stories about grand college life, and I even lived some of that too. But for me and most of the rest of them, reality finally sets in. And you've gone from the party queen/fraternity brother to a real life 'grown up'. And I'd bet you were just as clueless as I was. And it just wasn't much fun. I remember feeling as tho I had no niche. Maybe I am just rambling here? Does anyone else remember feeling like that?

Rewinding back 18 years, I was just so excited about the baby's arrival. Let's face it most of us are just real excited to get the pregnancy over with. Those last 6 wks were a bear for me. I didn't really like babies before having her. I have always loved toddlers. And when she did reach toddler age, she and I would have the best times ever. We were all each of us had. I had no car at that time, so when her Daddy went to work it was just us and a stroller if we got really stir crazy. We'd play Barbie's for hours. She was my best friend. I depended on her for so much when her brother came along. She was independet from the womb. And beautiful. And  now when I look at her, with all that anticipation and excitement in her eyes at the mere thought of being EIGHTEEN...I laugh to myself silently. I hope I am still alive when she reaches my age and see's it in her own daughters eyes and can look at me and we both can laugh. At that point she'll probably be feeling exactly what I am now.

What does 18 mean to me? It means that she legally has to take responsibility for her actions--and I have to finance that responsibility

It means she can buy lottery tickets or cigarettes legally. But she's pretty stingy with her money...I don't see that happening.

It means that if she should decide she can't live by my rules any longer she can pack her things and leave. Legally I can't stop her. I sometimes weep at the thought of that. I know she'll leave some day but it's heartbreaking to think she'd leave in anger.

It means she's about to start her life. I still have to guide her, and set some rules while she lives with me. But she's at the jumping off point. That too makes Moma sad.

I love her very, very much. There's been times that I haven't been the best mother I could've/should've been. But I have always admitted to my mistakes, apologized for them and told her how very much I love her. As well as letting her know there's been times when she's been a little difficult to love, lol.

18 to me means the beginning of child's step into adulthood, and my time of letting go...but not completely. I want her to thrive as she sees fit. But she knows that I am always going to be here for her, and love her unconditionally.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

...you look forward to Friday nights because it means you won't have a meeting, ball practice, or game to attend. It wasn't that long ago that Friday nights meant getting all dressed up and going out.

I was graciously removed of my wifely duties seven years ago. After an 18 day trip to Vegas and SoCal my then husband announced he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. "No shit" I thought to myself. I really hadn't wanted to be married to him for quite some time. But I was in my early 30's, had devoted my life to raising my two children (i.e. leaving my carreer) and taking care of the family. The husband and I hadn't shared a bedroom for over a year when he came to this epiphany. We both used the excuse that because he worked days it would be better if he had a bedroom downstaris where he woudln't be disturbed. The truth was in fact that neither one of us could stomach the thought of sleeping together. In the end it was him that had the gonads to say something about our situation. I was relieved and I was angry. We were upwardly mobile 30 something's. We owned two homes, new cars, a boat...he played golf every weekend and we were finally to the financial point where I could go to the grocery store and NOT have to calculate each and every purchase. As soon as he uttered the words 'I don't think I wanna be married anymore' my head started reeling. Reeling because I knew exactly what was in store for me. My Mother and Father divorced when I was 14. My mother and the 3 of us girls remained in the house and my Father never missed a child support payment, but it was still a struggle. I knew all too well what was ahead.

He wanted to "be friends" I quickly told him I had all the f'n friends I needed, I needed a father for my children. He then suggested that he stay in the house until he could get some arrangements made and the finances straight(in hindsight this probably would have been a good idea, I could have atleast maybe got enough money to get MYSELF in better shape) but I told him under no uncertain terms he was leaving right then and there. It was 12:30 a.m. And that was it he was gone. There's much, much more about that sorry son of a bitch but for sake of keeping with the subject of this thread I'll save those stories for another time.

The children and I were now a family of 3 and on our own. I knew I could always go to live with my Mother...but when my sanity would return I would know that was not nor would it ever be an option. I began the life of a single Mother. I had made the majority of all the household decisions for years. The money on the other hand had been taken out of my control a few years before. It did piss me off that once he had a very good job and we were better off financially than we ever had been, HE decided HE needed to be in charge.  It still makes me mad to think about. Being with my kids 24/7 didn't bother me, I'd been doing it for years. But what DID scare me was...single life. All, and I do mean all of my friends were married. It seems hard to believe but my daughter who was in 5th grade at the time didn't have one friend who's parents were divorced. We were the pioneers in that dept. in our circle of friends. It was very strange for all of us.

I of course clung to all my friends and went about with my life, and trashed my ex as much as possible. I had a wonderful support system, I don't know what I would have done without my friends. It was one of those very friends that introduced me to the Internet. I'd had a computer in the home for years, but living in the armpit of East TN, internet access for the most part was hard to come by and expensive. A few carriers were just moving into the area and thanks to this 'friend' I was about to jump with both feet on the bandwagon!

The internet introduced me to single life. Well a type of single life. It was the first step to getting back in the habit of socializing. While I didn't have to do my hair or dress up on Friday nights, I would be ready as soon as 'the Father of the Year' would show up pick up the children for my version of the 'bar scene'. If you're reading this I don't have to explain what I'm talking about, I'm sure you already know! :-)

So while the hands of time tick by relentlessly, I'm not sure that NOT having to find something or someone to occupy my time once the weekend comes is indicitive of 'getting old'. Perhaps it's just moving from one place to another. Regardless, I like knowing that on Friday night I can slip into my favorite pair of sweats, nuke some popcorn and watch old movies with my new husband and family. There's not the pressure that there seems to be when you're single and maybe...young(er).

On a side note I want to clarify to all the single readers, I NEVER was desperate not to be single. In fact there were times I loved being single. And there are hectic days now that I actually miss it. I like to think that even had I not met this man that I would have eventually reached this same point.

I'd like to hunt down Sherwood Schwartz if he's still living, his widow if he's not to tell him how badly warped I am(and probably millions more like me)after sitting glued to the TV watching 'The Brady Bunch'. What a load of hooey!

I love my husband to death, and I love all my children, biological and inherited. But honest to God life in this house can be trying. There's 5 of them, one shy of the Brady 6. We don't have the even distribution either; 1 female, 4 boys. All of them teenagers or damn close. The youngest two boys will be 13 in Oct and Nov so it's close enough to call.

I highly doubt that all that noise I hear in the basement is the kids working on their dance steps to "Sunshine Day" in order to win the talent contest to pay for the silver platter they've bought for us and in the end don't have enough money to pay for. Now that last part I would believe!

I've yet to drive up the driveway to see a few of them raking leaves. I have however driven up to see them taking the riding mower apart with their Dad's new tools. Did I mention the bonfire burning as well?

I am happy to report that we do have a sit down dinner every night. Normally there's atleast one child missing; football/soccer practice. And yes we eat good home cooked meals. No take out very often. But oddly enough there's no Alice preparing the meal at 1pm to make sure it's ready as soon as the family gathers in. Nope no Alice at all, it's ME! Never in one Brady Bunch episode did they EVER elude to the fact that the Carol's would more than likely do double duty!

And when something in the house does get broken, instead of the kids working together to glue it back, our spawns leave it laying where ever it happened to land and when confronted not a damn one of them knows what or how it happened. Did the Brady's have some sort of phantom trouble maker in the house too? Maybe that's what Oliver did for most of his life until making his arrival.

Nope it's nothing like what I had imagined. I saw them binding with one another, protecting one another, growing to love one another...gotta tell ya folks the prospects of that are looking pretty bleak :(

So for now Carol/Alice will just suck it up, make delicious nutritious meals, do laundry, offer sage advice and have her Valium every morning and evening! lol

One last entry for the night...I have tried in vain for hours now to change the appearance of my new blog home. I need a Trading Spaces-esque lift. I said earlier I didn't want anything fancy but what I have now is making me ill. Oh the colors, the putrid colors.

I initally signed up for the 'tiki hut by the sea' template but it didn't happen :(

Can ANYONE help me????

I decided the 14pt font was just a little overpowering. I work in that font daily and well I'm a creature of habit.

Funny how you don't realize exactly how something/someone looks until you are far away from the particular subject and just stare.

Case(s) in point:

Your prom dress. Not prom dresses of today's standards but thinking back to the popular styles of the early '80s. Those God forsaken hoop skirts. Why did we all think there was a little bit of Scarlet O'Hara in all of us? And those sales ladies should still be losing sleep over selling them to the majority of us.

Another example; wallpaper and/or paint. When ex husband #1 and I decided to paint our living room in our first house, we were very thoughtful and carefully made our decision, i.e. the only taste he had was in his mouth, and he bitched and moaned about every choice I made. In the end I convinced him a very pale peach would be lovely on the 12 ft. walls and it would pick up the peach accent in our wedgewood blue sofa and loveseat. If I NEVER see those shades of blue again it won't be too soon. We were both in our mid 20's, first time homeowners and parents of two. Excitedly we drove to Lowe's to pick out our paint. The teenaged sales person with a pretty bad skin condition convinced us he could give us EXACTLY what we wanted. We were painting over paneling, the wannabe Bob Villa assured us there was no reason to prime the paneling. Mistake, big mistake. We took our paint home, put a VHS tape in for the daughter to watch, put the son in his playpen in the middle of the living room and we went to work. I realize now the paint fumes probably weren't the best idea for the baby. Anyhoo we painted until the wee hours of the morning. We went back to our apartment and passed out. Eagerly we woke up and went directly to the new house. We learned several lessons as we opened the front door. First, you never trust the advice of a young Lowe's associate that says he knows exactly what you're wanting. It looked like the Great Pumpkin had exploded right in the middle of our pale peach living room. Second, Everything and I do mean EVERYTHING looks differently in the daylight. Third, when your husband really fights for a decision like this, give in. That way when it goes belly up it will be YOU saying 'I told you so'. Needless to say we lived in the orange living room for a year. Then we went with the 'eggshell', he wanted in the first place.

I had a similar experience in the second home we bought. Spent days searching for the right wallpaper(yes it was the thing to do then) and then even longer for the right vinyl for the floor. Let's just say fruit and vines looks great with a solid color floor. Mine looked like a bad acid trip.

And lastly...there's always those 'outfits' we seem to be enamoured of in the dressing room. I am convinced that some sort of evil metamorphosis takes place on the way home. I once bought this 'cute' ensemble. I was forever wary of anything 'cute' after that. I have to say at that time I weighed 325lbs. Absolutely nothing looks cute on a woman that size. Realistically I should have been shopping at 'Tennessee Tent & Awning'. But I wanted something casually cute to wear to PTA meetings. It was a fire engine red knit skirt, with pleats no less. And dreadfully long. The top was fashioned after some type of sailor style. Red and white stripes. I came home and put it on and walked to my mirror...I swear I don't think I could breathe for 30 seconds! There I was...a giant candy apple blob. I looked like I was 3 ft tall...and measurements? There was no measurements, I had a circumference! Much like a freakishly large barber pole. I am happy to say that I lost 350lb, 170 off my frame and my 180lbs of my sorry assed husband! I am happy to say I eventually did buy 'cute' things...still do!

These are just a few of the reasons I try to look at everything as completely as possible these days, lol.

I imagine some are wondering if this blog is dedicated to cool or not so cool Westerns?

No.

Allow me to explain. I am a 30-something(but not for long) mother/step-mother of 5. Very happily married to the man of my dreams. Unfortunately it took many years and marriages to find him. I have been told since grammar school I have a 'flair' for writing. I'm not sure that was/is true or if it was a compliment one gives to liven up a conversation. At any rate I have had a most amusing life, full of oodles of interesting characters. Some are no longer around, some I am bound by law to deal with. I look forward to sharing these musings and my somewhat twisted wit.

I worked for many years as a graphic artist. That is not to say that this blog will ever reflect that! I work in front of a computer at my job and my life outside of the office is beyond hectic. I hope to be able to post on a regular basis. In other words if you're looking for an eye-catching work of designer genius...move on.

I am a smart, intelligent, relatively attractive Southerner who DOES have a horrid accent. I'll include more personal info later and perhaps some pics. I can actually do that!

I appreciate the time  you took to stumble across my first entry, and I look forward to sharing my life with anyone that is interested.

FinalyFree